Being a freshman can be confusing, and being a freshman in the weeks leading up to the end of the Mayan calendar cycle can be a downright dippy affair.  But like always, new spoon Jaimie Zhang is handling the ridiculous circumstances around her with class and composure.  In her first Punch Bowl entry, she provides fashion tips that will allow you to leave behind your friends, family, and outdated fashion sense and enter the new era of existence in style!

Wondering what to wear while braving this year’s apocalypse? Afraid that the vast sweeping changes to the very structure of society and the extinction of all major design houses will leave your wardrobe behind? Worry not, because we’ve got you covered. Armed with a keen fashion senses and fully loaded shotguns, we’ve hit the streets to bring you the scoop on what’s hot, and what you’ll freeze to death in.

Hazmat Suit

Though never before a mainstream piece, the hazmat suit has really come into its own this season. This ubiquitous look can be spotted on the streets of every population center, making it the absolutely must-have item of the year. Its bulk not only protects you from the nuclear fallout but covers all of your problem areas, making it equally flattering on all body types – which is to say, not at all.

Rotting Flesh

Forget thin – pallid, rotting flesh is in! For those of you who have been reduced to moaning, shambling hordes of the undead by your terrible radiation-induced mutations, this look is one you can’t pass up. With your involuntary weight loss and your striking new gait, decomposing flesh will be sure to draw attention your way! From flaking skin to exposed skeleton, there are so many ways you can wear this look for that perfect headshot. Be careful contracting it, however, as it has a tendency to clash with all of your former hopes and dreams.

Brown

Whether it’s dirt brown, mud brown, or the brown of mysterious, possibly toxic sludge, shades of brown are dominating the landscape this season. Try as you might, you’ll be hard pressed to find any hopeful spots of blue or other bright colors on the runway among the irradiated dust clouds – brown is definitely the way to go this season, and probably for many seasons after. Other trending colors include dark shades of red like blood and rust, and the dull grey of dilapidated concrete.

Keep your eyes open for our next article – Best Weapons to Ward Off Looters and Flatter Your Figure.