New Christmas Movies!

Christmas is here once again, and that means a whole new slew of holiday movies have hit the theaters and Hallmark channel.  Here’s a guide to some of the hottest new Christmas-themed releases!

The Christmas Decision
– An inexplicably wealthy young woman (Jennifer Aniston) must choose between marrying a handsome and wealthy complete jackass or a handsome and wealthy nice guy who is good with children before midnight of Christmas Eve.

A Very Lord of the Rings Christmas
– In the first film adaptation of Tolkien’s four-volume classic, hobbit Reggie Baggins must memorize the names and life stories of the 900 elves of Christmasdor.  Meanwhile, everyone in Middle Earth gets Gandalf the same new hat for Christmas.

Santa Gets an Associate’s Degree
– After Mrs. Claus makes a passive-aggressive remark about her husband being bad with money, Santa decides he can’t put up with her nagging any longer and gets a degree in accounting from the University of Phoenix.

The Frantabulous Follies of Mr. Maguggle
– Recently divorced district attorney Frank Maguggle copes with loss and existential anxiety after getting locked in the closet of his single bedroom apartment on Christmas Eve.

Yuletide Surfers of Monaco Bay
– Oh wavy night….the Christmas luau is about to begin when a freak hurricane that for some reason no one was prepared for washes all the presents out to sea.  Now it’s up to four young surfers to ride the tide of Christmas injustice to collect the water-logged gifts before some arbitrary deadline!

Black December Moon
– After accidentally revealing the location of his secret lunar toy base, Santa Claus teams up with a gruff CIA agent (Liam Neeson) who doesn’t believe in the spirit of Christmas to race to the moon and maybe help some orphans in the process?

Freddie the Fish’s Christmas Wishes
-Greedy salmon Freddie the Fish repents for his avaricious ways after being granted 3 wishes by a magical Christmas whale.

Mrs. Claus Goes to Kyrgystan
-Tired of being ignored by her husband during the holiday season, Mrs. Claus travels to the magical land of Kyrgystan to experience something new. Hilarity ensues as Mrs. Claus overcomes her stubborn ethnocentrism.

Violent Night, Holy Night
-A rogue elf has started assassinating reindeer, and now it’s up to Santa, the grizzled, no-nonsense veteran, and Rudolph, the risk-taking loose cannon, to stop him before it’s too late. This Christmas, they’ll be decking the halls…with blood.

Even a Mouse
-When Santa’s workshop is overrun by Cheese Goblins, it’s up to Mindy the Mouse and her compulsive overeating to save the day!

Santa Paws: The Santa of Dogs
-Dog Christmas is in jeopardy after Santa Paws catches rabies from a raccoon. Will Santa Paws get his medication in time? And should they get him neutered, since they’re already at the vet anyway? 

The Abortion That Saved Christmas
-It’s Christmastime and Satan is up to his usual pranks.  This time, he’s impregnated a teen with the evil Lil’ Lucifer!  Can Jesus, Santa, and the rest of the gang find a doctor willing to perform an abortion on Christmas Eve?

A Pointedly Gay Christmas
– Suburban Kentucky mom Pam Smith usually wants to have a nice traditional Christmas, but when she sees a poll on the news that says conservatives are becoming increasingly open to gay marriage, she decides to jump on the bandwagon and throw the gayest Christmas there ever was!  The only question is, will it be enough to convince her lesbian daughter that she hasn’t spoken to in forty years to return home for the holidays?  

Tony Danza’s Extra Wacky Christmas-ganza!
-An hour-long variety show featuring skits written, produced, and acted by Tony Danza!  Guest starring Carrot Top as Wally the Winter Weasel, and featuring musical performances by Barry Manilow and Creed.

The Boy Who Ruined Christmas
-The Crenshaws were having a peaceful, pious holiday…until Li’l Timmy Crenshaw came over. Constantly whining, eating all the cookies, and spilling Diet Coke all over the new carpet, Li’l Timmy just might ruin Christmas for everyone. That is, unless the Crenshaws can band together to ostracize Li’l Timmy.

Thrice Upon a Christmas
– When an image of Jesus appears on Mr. Rumple’s bagel, the town is mystified.  When it happens two more times, the town is still confused but a little underwhelmed.

Tyler Perry Presents: The Blackest Christmas There Ever Was Starring Tyler Perry as Tyler Perry
– A black family has a Christmas that borders on stereotypical but it’s okay because Tyler Perry made the movie.

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