The New Rush

Boys and girls roaming campus in packs and entering various houses, a phenomenon known as rush, has companies like JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs wondering how to use what is now called the “Rush Model” in order to attain a wider pool of recruits during OCR.

“They have a mystique,” said Goldman Sachs representative, Mark Samsa. “We come here in our expensive suits, but they manage to one-up us with matching t-shirts. I mean, they call themselves ‘the brothers’, how are we supposed to compete with cultish shit like that?”

Morgan Stanley has been among the few companies to take the plunge. A banner was placed in front of their respective room with the sign:




Applicants walked in and mingled with recruiters, but silence soon pervaded the room. “I don’t get it,” remarked Morgan Stanley recruiter Rupert Stonefish, “We spied on rush events to learn their skills in inane small talk, but it’s a lot harder than it looks. Next time we’ll get proper sturgeon caviar instead of that Salmon Faux and the recruits will be pouring in.”

Among other companies who have tried the Rush Model is Credit Suisse, seen handing out party flyers on Locust Walk with the slogan “18 to Bank, 21 to Sauvignon Blanc”. Barclays, on the other hand, has been rumored to have gotten the Rush/Pledge sequencing wrong and were thrown off campus after an incident with recruits that involved force-feeding of SPAM and a wooden paddle.

UBS was one of the few banks to opt for the sorority model. A representative, who preferred to remain anonymous, explained the decision. “While the fraternity model plays to an atmosphere of camaraderie, we find that fear and a desire for acceptance is a more effective tool.”

UBS recruits were formally invited to interview parties where they would meet with up to 10 employees for 10 minutes. In between interview parties, raters would quickly run to the basement to score their candidate on a scale from ‘rush crush’ to ‘hell no’. However, UBS’s PR team was working overtime after the company misunderstood the “big/little strategy” and organized their recruits according to body size.

Fraternities and sororities on campus have taken steps to prevent the potential talent drain. Along with signing bonuses, rushes are being treated to better quality food and more exotic closed rush events. “We’re planning to take the rushees to the strip club under Chili’s next week. Show those I-bankers how it’s done,” said one rush chairman, Wallace Prescott. But for now, only one group on campus has welcomed the changes with open arms; those who enjoy getting free shit a few weeks in the year for absolutely no reason.

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