Love is in the air, as are noxious fumes from steaming manhole covers, the sounds of police sirens, and all flu causing pathogens. To further honor this most romantic of holidays, this Punch Bowl writer compiled a list of the most endearing Valentine’s Day quotes, guaranteed to set any reader’s heart aflutter.

Valentine’s Day Quotes: For Him

“The only thing more beautiful than your face, is the little envelope icon that pops up after I drunkenly text you at 2:18 AM.”

“Oh that’s cool, you work on the Vagina Monologues, tight. So do you guys hire a ventriloquist to throw her voice so it looks like a vagina’s actually talking, or do you just do the whole thing with puppets?”

“You may think I’m uncool now, but just you wait. In five years’ time I’ll be a sleep-deprived corporate slave making an inflated salary that I’ll have no time to actually enjoy.”

“You know getting the guac’s $1.29 extra right?…No, I’m fine with paying I’m just making sure you know about the guac.”

“Hey weren’t you in my class? You know, the one where we talked about that disease that ate that lady’s face, so she only had like a quarter of a face left and had to ingest nutrients through a tube in her nose…Anyway, you wanna get dinner Thursday?”

“Valentine’s Day? No, I don’t really have any plans this year haha. Probably just gonna keep it low key with a Wawa Gobbler, a bottle of wine I’ve been saving, and a Hulu marathon…Kill me. Please. I want you to end me.”

“Unfortunately, my crippling social anxiety prevents me from expressing how I truly feel, so I’d prefer to let these mass produced sugar hearts do the talking.”

Valentine’s Day Quotes: For Her

 “Hey Casey, so you know that guy you’ve been having unfulfilling, emotionally vapid sex with every weekend?…Yeah him! Well you think any of his friends are free on Thursday?”

“My big just got me and my twin, matching iPod Touches. That’s right. iPod, fucking,Touches. Save your singing telegram for the poor girl down the hall wolfing down stale cupcakes.”

“Will you be the John to my Lorena Bobbitt?”

“Thank you for the chocolates! Nothing reminds me of true love like the wet sack of meat pulsating oxygenated blood through my chronically undernourished body. “

“Roses are Reds, Violets are Blue, all the WASPs are taken, so get at me Jews.”

“That’s the fifth ‘sorry, I’m busy’ text I’ve gotten this week. One more and I’m gonna have to start dipping into the friend zone.”

“Hearing you talk about how much you love my personality is just like sitting through those SAC elections: I’m supposed to stand here, listen to your bullshit, and pretend you’re not just doing this to get a job.”

“Yeah sure I’d love to go out with you on Valentine’s Day. Maybe we can go on a few more dates, and if all goes well you’ll ask me to be your girlfriend. Everything will go great until eventually you see that deep down I’m batshit crazy and have been unable to consciously deal with a lot of psychologically damaging issues for the better part of my life. Of course I’ll also start realizing you’re an emotionally stunted man-child who doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. By this time our melancholic complacency will just become a part of everyday life, and neither of us will have the guts to break off a relationship that is suffocating us at a time when independence is crucial to our personal development. We couldn’t even leave if we wanted to because by now we’ve isolated ourselves from all the people we used to call friends.  Then one night, on a cab ride back to your apartment I’ll start sobbing uncontrollably, for no reason at all, both of us realizing our love is a pale reflection of what it once was …Chipotle at 9?”