Punch Bowl junior columnist, Emily Leven’s, take on Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is basically like a full-moon on steroids. To be honest, I actually really like the idea of this holiday when I don’t have to participate in it, but there’s no denying that people can get real weird real quick every February Fourteenth. Here’s a basic break-down of the alternate personas you might encounter this year:
The Happy Sappies
These are the people in happy relationships that just can’t WAIT to publicly celebrate their love. The women do a lot of giggling and also really like to flood all avenues of social media with pictures of all the gifts their “most amazing boyfriend in the whole world <3333” is showering them with. I like these people because they’re happy and also because sometimes I really need a good reason to vom (especially after eating all that Valentine’s Day chocolate I bought myself) and reading their captions always helps me with this. I’m not super into the men in this category. No one wants to read your poetry. Sack up.
The Bitter Babes
These lovely ladies walk around every February 14th looking like someone is force-feeding them dinosaur droppings. They hate everyone today, especially anyone with a Y chromosome, or anyone who is happy, or anyone within their field of vision (how DARE they?). These people are kind of fun, too. They often make a scene, and who, especially on a day like this, isn’t down to feel a little better about themselves by watching it happen?
These are the men who don’t really understand why they have to be celebrating this holiday, but know that it is not an option to ignore it unless they want to be single tomorrow (the guys who use Valentine’s Day as a break up fall into their own category, which we will summarize with a simple “yikes, man”). I would like to impress upon the men that Valentine’s Day is a brownie-points bank just waiting to be robbed. If you can manage to buy me dinner that costs more than ten bucks and/or give me a card that has more than just your signature in it, then I will forgive you for all your stupidity and self-centeredness for at LEAST the next week. I feel a little sorry for the dudes because being helpless and confused and really bad at buying gifts is kind of endearing. Credit to them for being good sports. But also, I wish they were better at buying me gifts that I actually like.
The Normal People
Most single guys fall into this category. There isn’t much to say about them. They’re about as normal as a single guy can be. Boring, but probably what we should all be aiming for.
The Gal Pal Rebels
Gal pals are always there for each other, right? So they’re going to go out for a fancy romantic dinner with each other, or they’re going to eat a lot of ice cream on the couch and watch chick flicks, or they’re going to host an anti-love zombie-themed party and deny entry to anyone not showing evidence of recent wrist-slashing. All costume-blood must be authentic (we won’t ask whose it is).
Cheers to love, ya’ll.