I’ve been told over and over again that college is the best time to experiment with my sexuality. I would love to lie and tell you that I’ve been able to experiment sexually for the full duration of the past four years, but unfortunately, I’m not that hot. However, recently I have been trying out new forms of sexuality, forms that confound the simple labels we all already know—labels like bi-sexual, asexual, homo-sexual, gay, and straight. I’ve found the sexuality I most identify with is one I just like to call “Atlantic Salmon.”

The Atlantic Salmon likes to be in the water, away from humans. It lives a reasonably adventurous but predictable life. It swims upstream and then back downstream, dodging both humans and bears. This type of life on the road has always appealed to me. The Atlantic Salmon does not have close familial or sexual ties with other salmon, much less humans. In fact, the Atlantic Salmon is known for its propensity to “wriggle away from human touch.” This is the characteristic of the salmon that I think most correctly describes my sexuality. I, too, prefer to wriggle away from humans rather than to sit and succumb to their touch, much less actively engage with it (shudder). Who knows what other humans will want from me, or use me for? Rather than wait to find out, I use my slippery body to flop away from them and back to my home, in the river.

Sometimes people say to me, “But Juliette, you’re a human, not a salmon, doesn’t it ever get lonely?” And to them I say, “No, no of course out…I get my affection from other sources.” Then I whip out my phone to show them pictures of my body pillow which features a picture of Danny Devito’s face. I like to think that this is something the salmon would see as quite a catch if they were land dwelling animals instead of the river dwelling creatures we tend to take for granted.