Congress Passes Bill Making “Dick Move” a Federal Offense

WASHINGTON, DC— In a controversial decision, Congress passed a bill last Monday classifying “dick moves” as a federal crime. The bill, otherwise known as The Dick Move Prevention Act of 2013, would allow for the federal prosecution of offenses such as double dipping, farting in elevators, and eating all of the Nutter Butters when they were clearly meant for the whole house.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who introduced the bill in January, said, “This bill was designed to curtail the dickishness and general fuckery that is harming each and every American citizen today. By passing this historic bill, we have ensured that future generations will never have to deal with douchebags blasting dubstep at 4 in the morning or hogging the skee ball machine at the arcade.”

Political analysts have praised the bill for its thoroughness, citing its 500 pages of definitions, examples, and varying degrees of punishment. For example, the bill defines a first-degree dick move as “murder,” while it defines a thirty-second-degree dick move as “cheating in Pictionary.”

However, the bill has not gone without criticism.

“I think this bill’s definition of ‘dick move’ is far too broad,” said Congressman Keith Ellison (D-MN). “I agree that ‘cutting in line at Disney World’ is a dick move, but I don’t think ‘playing political games with the national debt’ should have been included.” He paused, adding, “I mean, what do you expect us politicians to do, prioritize the well-being of the electorate over our own short-sighted, selfish goals? We’re only human.”

Republicans have also criticized the bill for ruling that all dick move laws will apply to corporations.

“Dick moves are a cornerstone of American capitalism,” said Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ). “Whether colluding to artificially inflate gas prices or dumping toxic waste onto playgrounds, American corporations depend on dick moves to create jobs and provide value to shareholders. Entire industries could collapse overnight if this bill is fully enforced.”

While enforcement has not fully taken effect yet, every employee, manager, and executive at Goldman Sachs has already been arrested for multiple alleged dick moves. Analysts expect that most consultants, lawyers, and LAPD officers will also be facing federal prosecution in the near future.

UPDATE (6:15 pm): Earlier today, Donald Trump threatened to immigrate to Europe if the Dick Move Prevention Act is not repealed. Both Republican and Democratic congressmen have since thrown their full support behind the bill.

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