Check out this groundbreaking news story from Punch Bowl guest columnist, Andres Gonzalez!

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Investigators have found a “Weather Manipulation Machine” underneath the University of Pennsylvania’s College Hall. The recent change in temperature can be attributed to the Admissions Office, who has been manipulating the weather to attract prospective students.

“Listen, we know it’s something straight out of a James Bond movie, but this is what really attracts students from warmer climates, and not just those students, but all prospective students. Just look around you: girls dress better, guys dress better, and people aren’t about in their sweatpants and jammies looking like Hell and tarnishing our reputation. I’m going to be completely honest with you: the attractiveness of our students is something that we take very seriously. The leaves in the trees haven’t grown back yet and we do not want students to notice that, so we manipulate the most important campus aesthetic: nice asses,” an anonymous admissions officer stated.

When investigators asked Admissions follow-up questions such as “Why not use the machine year round?” and “What is the impact of the machine on the community?”, Admissions responded with uncontrollable laughter.