DO, BUT MAKE SURE: Guidelines For Scoutmasters To Conduct An Instructive, Inclusive and Homosexual-Free-And-Tolerant Camping Trip Without Any Of That Gay Shit

The governing board of the Boy Scouts of America on Friday recommended ending the organization’s ban on openly gay Scouts but keeping its prohibition on gay troop leaders. April 19, 2013 The Washington Post

From the “Do, But Make Sure” camping section of the BSA’s newest instruction manual for scoutmasters:

DO: Actively point out and facilitate enjoyment the great outdoors. In this world of iPhones and Facebook, it’s important boys learn to appreciate nature on a camping trip.
BUT MAKE SURE: That outdoor activities are not exceedingly risky, like swimming when an adult is not present, or skinnydipping, if one of the boys on your trip is effeminate. Take precautions. To prevent uncomfortable situations, never let a scout urinate within view of a fellow scout, particularly if that scout swings an axe like a girl. Don’t let him use axes either. When it comes to preventing jealousy and fighting between scouts, take preemptive action. Hot boys should wear sweaters and jeans so no one sees hot they are. Foster an environment of tolerance for everyone. Rank boys on scale of 1-10 in gayness. When it comes to tent pairings, have the lowest and the highest numbers sleep in the same tent together, so that our fully-accepted fairies can have time to bond with the good scouts.

DO: By all means, take advantage of the atmosphere a campfire provides. Tell scary stories and open up about your memories of being a boy scout so we can get them hooked!
BUT MAKE SURE: The stories are appropriate. “The Hook” is a great story because it’s not too scary, and because it’s impossible for a man with hooks for hands to give a handjob. Brokeback Mountain is an example of a camping story inappropriate for children.

DO: If a bear invades your camping area, stay still. Make sure all scouts know to do the same.
BUT MAKE SURE: It’s not a sexy man-bear with a seductive voice and bountiful chest hair. In that situation, whisk scouts off to a safe place, free from temptation, like your car, unless it’s a Volvo.

DO: Let scouts know that, if for some reason they are more than five minutes from an adult and a fellow scout is bitten by a venomous snake, they are to suck the poison out of the part of his body in which he was bitten.
BUT MAKE SURE: That part of the body is not an erect penis.

DO: Tell scouts that, regardless of their sexual orientation, it would be immoral and un-scout-like to engage in sexual activity during the male-only trip.
BUT MAKE SURE: To maintain an equal environment. (Scouting has come under a lot of pressure lately.) Scouts should know that, since they’re scouts, they’re basically celibate no matter who they are attracted to and regardless of whether they’re on a camping trip. Tell them how your eagle badge delayed your first kiss by seven years, and that the only ladies you touched as an adolescent were old and crossing the street. Tell them how you lost your virginity at 24. Honesty always helps maintain trust between scout and scoutmaster! And, this way, no scout will feel left out of anything other than being cool in high school.

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