In the upcoming fall, Penn will be doing away with the traditional series of pre-orientation programs to embrace the changing needs of its incoming students. The Punch Bowl is pleased to announce this radical new set of pre-orientation programs that will be offered to the incoming freshman class this August.

Penntacle welcomes incoming freshmen of all religious persuasions to spend a fun weekend exploring Satanism and other forms of deviance in a supportive, godless environment. Participants should note that Penntacle is an equal opportunity sacrificer, and does not discriminate based on victim’s race, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, creed, national or ethnic origin, citizen status, age, disability, or any other legally protected class status in its administration of ritual killing practices. We do, however, prefer virgins.

Contrary to speculation about our so-called “post-gender” society, recent studies show that men are frequently faced with “the glass bottom,” sexual rejection, overpay, high expectations, no boobs, and other forms of blatant sexism. In response to this epidemic of iniquity, the Penn Men’s Center is offering a four-day intensive series on men’s empowerment for incoming freshmen. For the comfort of our participants, we will consider male applicants only.

You didn’t really deserve to get into Penn, did you? You just got lucky… maybe you play an obscure instrument? 1/16th Native American? Even (dare we say it?) a legacy? However you frame it, you’re a good-for-nothing phony who deserves to be punished. You’re a bad, bad boy and you’re just begging for discipline. On your knees, sinner! Pennitence enforces a rigorous seven-day program of guilt tripping, public shaming, and self-flagellation. Whips and cell provided, meals not included.

HEY GUYS!!!1! NSO not frattastic enough for you?? Tired of spending all your time with lame GDI’s?!? Come to Pennfest for a weeklong extra dose of jungle juice, hallcest, liver failure, GHB, dirty rush, and bonding before anyone else even gets to campus!! 4:1 ratio minimum unless you know a leader.

How did we get in here? More importantly, how do we get out?? We’ve been screaming out of those outdoor speakers for weeks but everyone just thinks it’s just more creepy Penne music. Send help please!

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