Penn Launches Cloud-Based Subscription Education

PHILADELPHIA, PA – The University of Pennsylvania, one of the eight Ivy League institutions, today announced their plan to embrace technology and move learning into the future. Penn administration is pleased to unveil their new cloud-based subscription education program.


Following Adobe’s model for its CS6 cloud programs and the popularity of the bookstore’s rental options on textbooks, Penn aims to have students pay a subscription fee, their tuition, in order to access the education that Penn provides. Students can then store their education in the cloud, and can free up space in their brains for more difficult tasks, such as splitting checks at BYOs. At any point students may allow their subscription to lapse, and their access to the cloud will be restricted.


“Like many business before us, we plan to adopt all that the cloud has to offer,” said President Amy Gutmann. “It will allow us to deliver each and every student the education they deserve with unlimited storage potential, and will allow administration to keep a closer eye on education sharing and pirating.”


When asked to clarify, Gutmann said, “Our education is the best in the world, and hence it is proprietary. God forbid a student share his or her education with non-paying leaches, or worse, Princeton students. Our cloud subscription ensures that each student’s education stays safe and within our hands for as long as the student pays their subscription fee. Once the student stops paying, we can cut their access to the cloud.”


Hardware costs are expected to be minimal – consisting only of a small microchip embedded in students’ brains. The microchip will allow access, and will also allow administrators to turn the chip off once a subscription lapses. But on the plus side, students will no longer have to purchase textbooks from the bookstore.


“At first I was a little worried about undergoing brain surgery and losing my entire education if my subscription check bounces, but then I heard that I wouldn’t need to buy textbooks and completely came around to the idea,” said College sophomore, Susie Penn.


Other students had similar reactions. “I don’t really care if Penn takes all the education back at the end and wipes my memory when I leave. I mean, OCR takes place during senior year, so I’ll still have access when companies are recruiting,” said Wharton senior, Ben Jacobs. “I don’t need to know the phases of the moon once I graduate. I’d rather rent Astronomy 001.”


Penn administration is overjoyed by the response of the student body, and is prepping the operating rooms at HUP to begin chip implantation immediately.

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