A Timely and Academic Review of the Worst Movie Ever Made

Guest columnist and noted film critic Miguel Davila gives us his two cents on the latest in cinema. 

I’ve got a good one for you today, Johnson. Just let yourself be lost in the magical dreamscape I’m about to paint for you. Please tell me that you are properly holding onto your socks, as I do not want them to be lost in the ferocious gusts of my brilliance and creativity. Prepare for your mind to be suitably fucked. The movie is about a girl who wants to run away, but wait for it … a tornado comes! Boom. This tornado appears and sends her whole town up into the sky. When she wakes up she is in a mysterious, colorful land filled with little people. Her house has fallen on an evil bitch, which makes the little ones all happy. Then the girl steals the dead bitch’s shoes, which may seem cold blooded, but in her defense, they’re fucking primo shoes. A good bitch comes and asks her some questions and then evil bitch 2 comes and tries to cause a ruckus. Let’s be honest, though, she’s just jealous that the girl beat her to the dead bitch’s rad kicks. She then gets told off and the good bitch sends the girl on a journey to find the magic man to see if he can get her back to the land of the Jayhawks. Along the way, the girl befriends a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion. You know, the classic crew. She gets captured by evil bitch 2, but her friends rescue her and, logically, evil bitch 2 is melted by water. The group returns to the magic man to find that he is just a regular dude with a microphone, at which point he gives them gifts to distract them from this fact/build their confidence. Then the girl goes home, but really, she wakes up and finds out that her journey was all a dream. Please pick your jaw up off the floor and place it on my genitals, because that just happened.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this was the actual movie pitch for The Wizard of Oz. That this pitch managed to impress some old-timey movie executive back in the day is depressing enough. What’s truly tragic, though, is that the steaming pile of shit it became was not only successful, but it is now considered one of the greatest movies of all time. This tells me two things. 1: Clearly not enough people have seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, as there is no need to continue watching movies after seeing the peak of cinema. 2: I’m the only person in the world who isn’t a complete idiot. Seriously, if you like this movie, then you are honestly a fuck up. You probably like turkey bacon, too. In case you haven’t noticed, I absolutely hate this movie and have since I was like five years old. Over the years, I thought that I just hated it because I was a little kid and didn’t get it, but now that I’ve seen it twice in the past year, I realize that my five-year-old self was actually quite perceptive. I don’t like a single part of this movie. Is it really necessary to sing a song to walk down a road or observe that it is indeed yellow? Also, was it really so difficult to finish the line about how wonderful the Wizard is without using the word “because” like fifty fucking times. Cool songwriting, bro. Another issue is how the witch is taken out like a punk bitch. Really? Water kills her? Okay. All this moisture allergy tells me is that this bitch clearly hadn’t seen Jon Hamm at any point in her life. 1. That’s depressing as shit. 2. It’s also a horrible way to kill off a villain. This was the most disappointing villain defeat since the bullshit high five that ended Iron Man 2. Didn’t the screenwriter learn anything from that debacle? You don’t have Robert Downey Jr.’s magnificence and charm to bail you out, Oz screenwriter, you have a goddamn house cat masquerading as a lion. Don’t even get me started on the lion. He is the worst character in anything ever and you just know he has the smallest dick.

So on a scale from 1 to Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, I would give this movie a “light punch to the balls”.

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