Fraternities Enter “Slumber Party” Stage of Pledging

With the temperature dropping and work starting to accumulate, fraternities across campus have entered the all important “slumber party” stage of pledging. One brother, Lance Prescott, described the process in glowing tones: “I mean, we’ve given the guys food. We’ve taken them out bowling and drinking or whatever. Now it’s the time to just get in the basement with just us, the bros, and some blankets. That’s really what it’s all about.”

Many freshmen have been surprised by their first nights in the chapter house. Carl Young, a freshman in the College, described his experience: “I guess when I first heard we were spending a night in the house I was sort of worried. I mean I expected they’d make us drink a ton, or do something embarrassing. But they just took us downstairs, told us to change into pajamas, and had us watch Annie Hall. It was kind of nice actually.”

Other houses, however, have provided less serene experiences. Wharton sophomore Sam Garner was still shivering when he gave his account: “They took us down into this pitch dark basement and told us to get in a circle. Then each brother came down shining his face with this creepy flashlight and they’d scream these really scary stories at us. I couldn’t sleep all night; those guys go hard.”

A schedule leaked from a fraternity that will remain anonymous at our source’s request sheds some light on an average pledging night at a chapter house:

10 pm

Make the new brothers go down and change into PJ’s. Blast “Bulletproof” by La Roux full volume at them so they know we’re not fucking around.

11 pm

Hour-long pillow fight. Have them fight until every feather in every pillow is floating wondrously through the air. If it doesn’t look like a fucking snow globe down there by midnight, tell them we’re seriously disappointed.

12 am

Midnight snack! Prepare cookies and milk, and for the love of God, remember to make a gluten-free batch this time.

1 am

Blindfold the new brothers and have them walk on a balance beam above a pool of Natty Light. Scream insults at them and remember to laugh when they fall in.

2 am

Talk about how that made them feel. Remind them of the trust circle.

3 am

See if any of the brothers are having trouble going to sleep. Read aloud to them from “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”, but skip the scary parts! It works like a charm.

Most fraternities across campus have so far refused to admit performing any of the activities featured on the list except for the so-called “Natty Balance Challenge”. Troy Daniels, a College senior who is a pledge master at his fraternity remarked on the nonplussed reaction of many students: “I mean obviously you GDI’s think it’s all kind of lame and weird and shit. But that’s just cause you don’t get what it means to be a brother. You’re all out there judging and we’re in our house making memories that’ll last us a lifetime.”

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