In honor of Greek Week, anonymous Guest Columnist and Regina George, professor of sorority relations, help you decide which sorority to rush.

To all you irrelevant independent girls who didn’t get bids last year and all you freshmen who need to know what to pretend to be excited about…fear not, for the Punch Bowl has the inside scoop. These sororities (and whatever the fuck Tabard thinks it is) have all been ruthlessly pigeonholed by various stereotypes, rumors, and smear campaigns. Luckily for you, we here at Punch Bowl hold it as our sacred duty to report such stereotypes. So read on carefully, prospective sisters. Because if you’re lucky, come spring rush the entire campus will blindly label you in accordance with the group of girls you choose to join:

Things that are smarter than Tri Delt:
Squirellz
Ms. America (Is she in Tri Delt?)
P∆nc∆k3 P∆rti3z
Roadkill
The football team (Are we still on for our mixer?!)
Dropped babies

The only things that try harder than Alpha Phi:
Olympic Athletes
Illegal immigrants coming to America
Mitt Romney’s Accountants
American Idol Contestants
7th grade girls
College-age entrepreneurs
Tiger Woods’s PR representative

Things that that aren’t as manly as AXO:
Lumberjacks
Apes (The animal…they’re still more butch than the new AEPi)
The NFL
Anabolic steroids
Amy Gutmann
Jockstraps
Men

Things that start with Z and are cooler than Zeta:
Zoos with no animals
Zhou Dynasty
Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century
Zippers
ZBT
Zip codes
Zoning commissions
(and all other words starting with “z”)

People that do more coke than Theta:
N/A

The only things more JAPpy than SDT:
The Chobani Corporation
THEOS
Fleas…too soon?…scratch scratch
Sweetgreen
34th Street (SDT’s weekly newsletter)
The Asians in SDT

The only things as bland as Chi O:
Beige
A pH of 7
Yawning
Saltine crackers
Canada
Old people

Things that have more self-respect than a Tabard pledge:
A stripper at Atlantis
Guys with moobs
A member of Alcoholics Anonymous who has hit rock bottom
Fat people forced to buy two seats on an airplane
Pre-meds who get an A-
The girls in the “before” pictures for ProActive Commercials

Things that are more fun than SK:
Diabetes
Getting pelted with thumb tacks
Blue Balls
Double amputation
Africanized Killer Bees
Sexual Predators
Tapeworms
Hepatitis A, B, and C

To all you GDIs on your high horse, don’t think we forgot about you…
The only things as lonely as a GDI:
Lepers
A Jew at a country club
Men at a strip club on a Tuesday
A pork chop at Hillel
The buffet at a model’s convention
A straight guy in Lambda Chi

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