Today, our guest writer Katie Sgarro takes her experiences doing OCR and rolls them up in a nice column-sized package for you all to learn from.

Attention all Penn students: Contrary to popular belief, The Punch Bowl is interested in your professional success! With this in mind, we present you with a play-by-play of the perfect interview. We strongly recommend you skip all of your classes to study it.

What to bring:

1. Bedazzled cape
2. This Bridesmaids meme:
3. 1 Toupee or tiara. (We recommend the tiara if you are a girl or look like a girl in your LinkedIn photo. That is of course, assuming that a male relative or friend is not available to don a wig and pretend to be you for the interview).

4. An ounce of weed

The interview or as I like to call it, “The Performance of a Lifetime”:

Interviewer: Good afternoon, I’m [insert boring name].

You: I’m [insert name] but please call me “Leader of the Free World.”

Stare blankly at interviewer’s outstretched hand. (This is a trick!)

Interviewer: Please take a seat.

Adjust your cape and stand on the chair. Center your toupee/tiara in preparation for this verbal joust. Leap from your perch and get into a fighting stance. (This will both make your interviewer feel safe as well as signal that you are ready for a challenge)

Interviewer: So um Leader of the Free World…Tell me about yourself.

You: Well, Satan placed me in my mother’s arms on April 20th, 1993. Did you know that’s National Marijuana Day? Speaking of my good friend Mary Jane…

(The second most common mistake students make is not bringing drugs to the interview. If the interview is going well the recruiter will accept your generous offer.)

Interviewer: Moving along. Why do you want to work at Goldman Sachs?

You: Easy. Full access to office ragers, and my dealer works there!

(Don’t be afraid to show your enthusiasm when something really excites you, such as the prospect of working with your dealer).

Interviewer: Describe a time when you displayed exemplary customer service.

Hand your Bridesmaids meme to the recruiter. (There’s no such thing as a bad visual in an interview).

You: I mean seriously? I’m drunk right now.

Let out a long, diabolical cackle. Make a Miley face until the interviewer continues.

Interviewer: Great. Do you have any questions for me?

You: Just one. What are you doing tonight?

Suggestively wink at interviewer.

An ideal interview ends with you seducing your recruiter. Who said you couldn’t mix business with pleasure? Clearly someone with the low intelligence level of Amy Gutmann. Follow the above steps and they will offer you the whole damn company.