Resident Punch Bowl technology expert Max Levy tells us all about Apple’s newest venture in today’s guest column.

SILICON VALLEY – Amazed by the critical acclaim facing the Apple Watch, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced his company’s newest product today: the Apple Apple.

“We wanted to take the elegance of our brand,” Cook said in a surprise keynote address, “and apply it to as many things as we could. After all, if people are going to pay $349 for a watch, why wouldn’t they do the same for a piece of fruit?”

The Apple Apple’s features include being an apple and having the same number of seeds as a regular apple. Unlike most apples, however, the Apple Apple must charge for three hours before consumption.

“Our crisp new redesign ensures that we can charge people out the ass for this,” said lead designer Vince Calloway. Of course, since he said it in an ambiguously posh accent, it sounded extremely sophisticated.

Calloway added that Apple is currently working on other similar products such as the Apple Banana, the Apple Piece of Paper, and the Apple Pie.

The Apple Apple hits stores next month and is expected to cost $499.