Over the past few weeks hundreds of objects have been reported as missing from Van Pelt-Dietrich Library. At first, the missing items were confused with overdue library books and DVD rentals but, after further investigation, it is clear that the criminal activity runs much deeper than anticipated.

One preliminary explanation traced the thefts to the increased amount of library traffic due to upcoming midterms. However, after noticing countless VP patrons leaving the library with uncharacteristic grins, we decided to ask College Junior Clyde Perkins about his unexpected elation. “I’ve opened my backpack up every time I left that library for three years. Three f**king years of pointless bag checks and now, it seems like they don’t even give a sh*t!” Clyde walked away with his arms extended into the air, and shouted “It’s a free world!”

Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush made an official statement on the missing objects. She explained, “we are working our hardest to find out what exactly is missing from the library, and where it has all gone. We have spoken with Van Pelt security, and we hope to see a decrease in thefts moving forward. In the meantime, we ask all students to please refrain from taking objects from the library.”

The list of stolen objects is a work in progress, but it is clear that there is a substantial amount of stolen valuables. Notable items include: three ancient Mesopotamian manuscripts, the Edgar Fahs Smith Collection of prints, and Weigle Information Commons.

It has also been reported that a portrait of “Dietrich” – the library’s partial namesake – has gone missing, but no one has noticed yet.