If you have been paying any attention to the news lately, you know that it just can’t get enough of the University of Pennsylvania. A few months ago, Penn was ranked the top party school in the country, the school with the most billionaire undergraduate alumni, and the most polite school, among many other accolades. However, it’s not just the flattering lists; Penn has been the fascination of actual articles as well, from the infamous New York Times article “exposing” our “hook-up culture” to the most recent article explaining that we are all just insecure.

Long before all this media attention, I had decided to go deep undercover at Penn to report on the underground goings-on. I posed as a freshman starting in Fall 2011 and have uncovered so many dirty secrets that I have stayed for almost three and a half years, and am now acting as a senior at Penn, and I know everything that there is to know about this school.

This past weekend, I snuck into a few “parties” and got the real scoop on Penn student life, and you will not believe what people had to say.

One senior, who wished to remain anonymous but has brown hair and an unmistakable voice like Mickey Mouse, confided in me at the local bar that, “I really don’t give a shit anymore. I mean, yeah, I don’t give a shit about these articles or whatever, but I also don’t give a shit about anything. I’ve got a job after graduation, so yeah.”

A spunky junior who also wished to remain anonymous but is 5’5” and sports a signature scarf whispered to me deep inside the bowels of an off-campus party, “I don’t even read those articles anymore. None of them are true to my experience at Penn. Besides, I’d rather spend my free time watching Gilmore Girls than reading anything.”

Outside of Wawa, a location all Penn students frequent all the time, because Penn students, am I right? Anyway, I was there, at Penn. What was I saying? Oh so this freshman wearing a green body suit and sporting a mullet called me over and told me, “Sometimes I don’t even read the New York Times.” Unbelievable. Millenials.

So there you have it: Penn students are so indifferent to articles about them that they probably aren’t even reading this article. I’m talking to you, Penn parents and billionaire alumni. Thanks for reading all our exposès, buying our subscription, and keeping our publication in the green.

Leave a Reply