We Are All David Cameron

Official Punch Bowl political commentator Luke Hoban has a few things to say about the activities of one David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain

On Sunday, the globe sat transfixed as Hamm got the better of another decorated man. I’m talking of course about the Bae of Pigs “scandal,” in which UK Prime Minister David Cameron allegedly stuck his wingding into the mouth of a dead pig during his college days.

Now, David Cameron has been almost universally ridiculed for this, but I don’t quite think he’s getting a fair shake. In fact, the image of a world leader waving his willy around wildly every which way is nothing more than harmless whimsy. It was nothing more than some juvenile hijincks. We are all too quick to forget the saying “boys will be boys, and they will also do pigs.”

And seriously, who among us has not been seized with a sudden urge to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “pork sword”? The last time I had a plate of bacon in front of me, it took all of my focus to not defrock right then and there; in the end I refrained. But who among us can mock Cameron for the simple crime of letting his urges overcome him?

And has anybody here stopped to ask how the pig feels about this whole situation? No, because it’s dead. And everybody stops caring about what pigs have to say after they’re dead. That’s just not right. Respect the pig’s wishes, and do not play the victim card on its behalf. If it wanted to file charges against the Prime Minister, or make fun of him in the press, the dead pig would have spoken up by now.

And by the way, how do we know that David Cameron did not stop to ask for consent? How do we know that this pig was not egging him on? What clothes was the pig wearing, and what makeup? Was the pig on drugs? Was it a mere image temporarily passing through this universe en route to a higher celestial plane? Until we know the answers to all these questions, judge not lest ye be judged.

Plus, think of the epic Cards Against Humanity expansion pack we’re going to get out of this.

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