College Sophomore Reportedly Blinded by Twinkling String Lights

Punch Bowl sophomore Susanna Buff has the inside scoop on Penn’s most recent fairy-light related incident.

Jessica Benson was stunned last night when she came home after a long night of “sabsing n studying in VP” to find her roommate in Rodin College House, sophomore Sarah Matthews, fumbling around in the dark.

The situation became illuminated to Jessica as it became blazingly apparent that her young roommate had accidentally blinded herself while trying, in her mumbled, frantic words, to “have the most goddamn whimsical dorm this lame-ass school has ever seen.” Jessica reported finding no fewer than 20 empty boxes of “EXTRA dazzling!” string lights crushed around the room.

When asked what motivated Sarah to break on-campus housing fire safety codes by assembling two thousand tiny lights typically used to decorate Christmas trees in her 9’ by 12’ bedroom, she flashed a vivid smile and brazenly explained, “my freshman year hallmate thinks she’s SO special because she showed pictures of her side of the room to girls during rush and now she’s in a sorority. Well I loved camp JUST as much and if there’s one thing I learned during craft hour, it’s to NEVER hold back.”

Residents of the Harrison college house across Locust reported seeing an “intense flash of light that was quickly extinguished” at about 9 pm that night.

Engineer Matt Baker simply shrugged and said he just assumed someone’s microwave had exploded. “The same thing happened to me last year when I accidentally left my phone in with my ramen. It wasn’t a big deal at all once the fire department got it sorted out and now I have the 6 plus!“

House Dean Thomas Hartley expressed relief that Sarah’s power strip had given out, as the heat from the multitude of lights would have probably started a fire and, “God knows our burn time is EASILY under two minutes.”

The nurses and doctors treating Sarah expressed concern that she might never totally regain her vision, and fear their warnings and advice to avoid bright lights will go unheeded as their patient was still muttering about “how many freaking repins I’m gonna get once I post this on my ~dorm dreams!~ board” at press time.

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