Sophomore Daniel Loud with the latest regarding the status of Syrian Refugees in America. 

This week, President Obama announced his intentions to accept 10,000 refugees from Syria. However, this plan has received considerable opposition from many Americans, fearing for all the issues such an influx of refugees could potentially present. As a compromise, the U.S. has decided to follow the model of college fraternities in determining who it lets in.

This new plan requires any man seeking entry into the United States to have with him a sufficient ratio of women or know somebody in the United States already. Republicans lauded this plan, as it had the potential to both greatly reduce the influx of refugees and simplify the screening process.

“I think this country has a lot to learn from college fraternities in how to determine who we let into the good ol’ U.S. of A,” explained Representative Tom McClancy (R-NM) in a press conference yesterday.

Beyond being an effective solution, this plan is also expected to greatly reduce costs in the screening programs. Instead of spending millions if not billions on a complex screening process, the government stands to save a ton of money by simply hiring graduated fraternity members to stand at airports across the countries making sure only the “chill” Syrians get in.

“This is an outrage,” raged Omar Mansour, a Syrian refugee who has recently been denied entrance to the country at Los Angeles International Airport. “I tried to come here for a better life, and the man at the airport didn’t even look at my passport. He asked who I knew in the country and I gave my cousin’s name. He then asked if I could get my cousin to come to the airport – he lives in Georgia!”

Wiping away tears, he explained that the guy at the airport told him that the country was pretty full at the moment, so he should take a walk around the Panama Canal and come back in a little bit.

When asked to comment on cases such as this, Representative McClancy was unapologetic. “What we have going here in America – freedom- is the greatest party of all, and we can’t just let anyone in bro. We gotta keep this thing exclusive.”

He then told our reporters that they had to get out of his office, because they were crowding up the entrance and the cops could come if they didn’t clear out.