10:00 PM – After vowing to return to his studies, student Brighton Early set a timer on his phone for thirty minutes and assumed the position for a short nap.  This brazen act of late-night napping flew in the face of his circadian rhythm, but Brighton promised himself he would awake with enough time to complete his essays.

10:30 PM – Brighton awoke thirty minutes later, which felt more like two minutes but also forty-five years.  His mouth was dryer than the Brita filter he had forgotten to refill, and because he couldn’t reach a cup of water without putting his feet on the ground, any hope for rehydration was extinguished.  He set a timer for fifteen minutes and slid back into the sweet embrace of nap time.

10:45 PM – Brighton gasped for air.  The “radar” ringer had become more of a soundtrack to his life than an actual disturbance.  Brighton set an alarm for fifteen minutes, so he could start working right at 11 PM.

11:01 PM – Brighton let the alarm ring for an entire minute.  At this time, his roommates were beginning to organize an intervention.  He set an alarm for 59 minutes, so he could start working at the top of the hour.

12:00 AM – Brighton figured he had to start working on the essays, but he just couldn’t leave the comfort of his bed.  Why must he choose?  He set an alarm for 30 minutes, which he designates as time to ruminate on the essay prompts.  If he falls asleep, he’ll just chalk it up as another 30-minute nap.  He did.

12:30 AM – Brighton actually had a dope essay idea, but he forgot it.  However, he didn’t forget the dream about riding a hoverboard engulfed in flames down Locust Walk with his pants on his head.  Is this essay material?  Probably not.  Another 30 minute alarm.

1:00 AM – Brighton awoke, more tired than before.  How is that even possible?  Can you be bad at sleeping?  Brighton set an… he set… he asdfaalkdfaskdjfqwerio

7:00 AM – Brighton had accidentally set a stopwatch!  He woke up 6 hours later (good thing he timed it).  Brighton was horrified to find out that his nap had transformed into a dreaded “sleep.”  But, with this Frankensteinian patchwork of successive naps, Brighton actually felt recharged and ready to tackle his essays.  Who knew that six hours of uninterrupted sleep could have such an effect?

Brighton didn’t have class until 11:00 AM, leaving him a solid four hours to write his essays.  He even went to his professor’s 9:00 AM office hour.

Well done Brighton, well done.