From the [deep] Archives          

 What sort of jokes did Punch Bowl make thirty years ago? Today we have some campus news from our March, 1975 issue to answer that question. Not to ruin it for you, but the answer is the same as today: jokes about women and commies.

CW to Merge With Wharton
           Donald Carroll, Dean of the Wharton School, announced at a press conference yesterday the merger of Penn’s College for Women with Wharton.
           Carroll predicted CW would become a profit-making institution in two years, and he outlined a new combined Wharton-CW major alled “Marketing and Whoremonging” in which work-study would play a major role. He said the major would include night courses, all night courses, and 15-minute quickies.
           Carroll told the press that sex was essential for the preservation of the glory of capitalism. Brandishing an American flag, several dead Russians, and two well-heeled copies of Penthouse, he said, “The only good Commie is female and willing.” In the background the Wharton Boy’s Choir sang the school song, “Money Makes Me Horny.”
           According to Carroll, CW will relocate in Times Square to establish the Forty-Second Street Research Center in Intellectual Prostitution. He added that the Center will give an endowed bed to future professor Marilyn Chambers.
           Carroll explained the move to Times Square saying, Meyerson wouldn’t change Penn to ‘Wharton University,’ and now he’ll pay the price. The only girls the faculty club can find now will be from Drexel, ha ha!”
           President Martin Meyerson was reportedly unavailable for comment. “And particularly the intelligent kind!” grinned Dr. Bruce Johnstone, his executive assistant.

FAS Announces Draconian New Requirements
           Dr. Vartan Gregorian, dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, the result of a bizarre merger of the College and CW into one vast hermaphroditic unit, and co-inventor of the Gregorian calendar, revealed today that stringent new distributional requirements would go into effect immediately, and that every student, regardless of socio-economic background, would suffer unbearable humilitation and enormous torment, most of which would take place at pre-arranged meeting with Dr. Gregorian.
            “Oh boy,” he chortled, “We’re going to reinstate Greek and Latin requirements, the physical education requirements, the ROTC requirements, and the chapel attendance requirement. Just so no one can say we’re regressive, we’re going to add a Hindustani requirement, a Linear B requirement, an organic chemistry requirement, a statistical mechanics requirement, and underwear must be changed twice daily, and will be worn on the outside, so I, Vartan Gregorian, can check personally! As for grade inflation, no more pass/fail- maybe pass/die, but I’m not promising anything. ‘A’s will be abolished, and ‘B’s an only be given on Quinquagesima Sunday and Holy Innocent’s Day. It’s just going to be a whole lot of fun!”

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