How to Boat

I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who like large bodies of water but don’t like to swim. Well, there is a readily available solution for this dilemma: buying a boat. Boats are gorgeous creations of fiberglass or aluminum that happen to float. They have the additional benefit of being able to travel to international waters, where laws do not apply. This will allow you to commit any crime you want.


  1. The first step to buying a boat is to find some boats to buy. This can be accomplished on Craigslist, near large bodies of water, or anywhere where there is abundant fiberglass around, like an oil refinery or local public library. Once you have your eye on a nautical automobile, it’s time to bargain.
  2. The only time you need to pay money for a boat is if you are a landlubber. The Laws of the Sea are ancient and higher than any existing set of laws, including the Code of Hammurabi. These Laws, among other things, say that boats can be bartered for various types of sea creatures. Two (2) buckets of puffer fish, left in the sun for a fortnight, is considered legal tender in boat transactions, but ONLY if the puffer fish reach a velocity of greater than or equal to 40 miles per hour. I would recommend dropping the puffer fish off a roof onto the boat owner’s car or head. At this point, you have legal ownership of the boat. The Law of the Sea has no room for paper.
  3. Now you are ready to take your boat on the water. Sometimes your boat will have an engine. Other times it will have oars. The ones with oars are the spawn of the devil. Break the oars and sacrifice the boat to Aristaeus, the Greek God of bee-keeping. If your boat has an engine, then you are in luck! You can travel almost anywhere in the world. However, the Law of the Sea requires all new boaters to first proceed to the coast of Mauritania for the Inauguration. The inauguration is essential. If you skip the inauguration, you will be hunted down and killed.
  4. Your duty as a boat owner is to spread the gospel of boats as far and wide as possible. Tell everyone you meet to buy a boat. Keep reminding them how much they would like to have a boat all to themselves. If they resist, burn down their house. Force them to buy a boat for their own survival. Boats. Boats.

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