REPORT: Everyone Here is Named Ben

A surprising new report from the Office of the Provost confirms what many Penn students have suspected for a long time: every single Penn student has the first name Ben.

Coming amid recent speculation that there are “a lot of Bens” at Penn, the report maintains that, yes, literally every single person who attends the University of Pennsylvania is named Ben. This includes your RA, the guy that sits on your left in ECON 001, and every other student across four undergraduate classes at Penn.

You may claim to have met non-Bens at Penn — you might even protest that you’re a non-Ben yourself. This is a classic delusion many Bens face in their time at Penn, where the pressure to live up to legendary founder Ben Franklin forces many students to identify with unique nicknames like “Matthew” and “Joanna.” But don’t be fooled: your name is definitely one of Ben, Benjamin, Benji, or (maybe) Benedict. Check with your parents if you don’t believe us.

“The last time Penn admitted a person with a name other than Ben was in 2013,” confirmed Dean Eric Furda, “when we took three Emilys and two Mikes.”

“There was a Patrick at some point, too,” added Furda. “The Admissions Office will avoid making that mistake again in future classes.”

Said Dean Ben “Eric” Furda, “I can’t believe I never noticed.”

Leave a Reply