Massive Book-Smuggling Ring Busted by Van Pelt Bag Check

Police have uncovered a book-smuggling operation at the University of Pennsylvania after a routine bag check turned up a surprising result.

While exiting Van Pelt library, an as-of-yet unidentified Penn student stopped to briefly display the contents of their backpack to a security guard. Unfortunately for the student, their bag ripped open, spilling un-checked-out library materials all over the front desk. Police were on the scene within minutes to address the situation.

“I never expected this to happen,” explained library coordinator Eugene Foote. “The guards are capable of determining all the contents of a student’s backpack from a quick glance at a single pocket. We are investigating how this student was almost able to smuggle library materials out under such intense security.”

A subsequent search of the student’s apartment yielded a cache of over eighteen thousand books all taken from Van Pelt, as well as hundreds of print magazines, video recordings, and reams of printer paper. Three additional students were found to have assisted in the repeated thefts.

“At first, we came up with all of these elaborate schemes to get books past the guards,” explained one student who wished to remain anonymous. “But then we realized that nobody who works there gives a shit. I guess we got sloppy.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Foote expressed confidence in the security system at VP, adding that he is positive that no one has ever “done it” in the stacks.

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