A Beginner’s Guide to Breathing

The Breath, or more colloquially, “inhalation,” is among our greatest gifts as humans. The pleasure of breathing in and out, though, is one that often seems reserved just for the best of us. How often have we looked at someone’s chest rise and fall in envy, astounded and bewildered by their strange ability? If this hits you personally, don’t worry. I was once one of you. I had absolutely no clue how to gain this skill, and I didn’t even know where to start. But now I have the happy task of spreading the knowledge of the Breath to those around me.

You, dear reader, are very privileged indeed to have access to this information. Imagine how difficult breathing would have been even 20 years ago, when the Internet was new? Or in the Middle Ages, when books were rarer than some precious metals? Take solace in the following, my foolproof steps to inhalation. Please also consider supporting my Patreon, so I can continue to impart this wonderful wisdom to people everywhere.

  1. Go somewhere with Oxygen. This could mean sitting up in bed, or it could mean returning home from orbit around Neptune. This is, I am afraid, a necessary prerequisite, for reasons far too complicated to delve into now.
  2. Open your mouth. You can actually do this by opening your nose, as well. If you are interested in this far more advanced technique, you can buy my premium package, with which you will also receive a complementary t-shirt bearing the insignia “I know how to breathe and you don’t. Suck it.”
  3. Pretend like you’re screaming, but in reverse. This one is one of those “learn by doing” steps. Keep practicing until you feel air run across your lips, over your tongue, and down your throat. Just make sure it’s ONLY air that is doing this, as there are far too many horror stories to count. To avoid episodes like those I am alluding to, avoid hornet’s nests, garden hoses, prosthetic fingers, and sliced bread while practicing step 3.


Hopefully, with these steps in mind, you will be able to become one of the select group of humans known as the Breathers. Best of luck; I hope to take in some fresh air with you someday.

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