Guess what, folks? That’s right, it’s that time of year again. Halloween. You know
what that means, don’t you? I’m not talking about stuffing your face with candy, worshipping
Satan, white girls dressed as slutty [insert literally any noun], or even the rise of the Great Pumpkin – I’m talking, of course, about Ben Franklin. In case you’re a freshman or just simply unaware, Halloween is the one night of the year where Ben Franklin himself rises from the dead   to enact his revenge upon Penn students who have defiled his statue in the past year.

He visits each and every student who peed on his statue, and pees right back on them. Nothing causes you to reflect on what you’ve done like a literal shower of guilt. You know the old adage – “revenge is sweet wet.”

So, if you’re one of the unlucky souls who defiled that statue of our glorious founder on Locust Walk, go out and have fun – but I’d suggest you dress up as The Penguin for Halloween. Or maybe Mary Poppins. Or anything that includes an umbrella or a raincoat, because you’ve got a big storm coming.

Legend says that the only way to avoid getting hosed on Halloween, is to abstain from even a drop of alcohol the entire week leading up to Halloween. So yeah, you’re basically screwed.