As we all know, October is pretty much over now, which means it’s everyone’s favorite time of year: Christmas! Don’t mind the fact that Halloween is still two days away; just focus on the fact that Christmas is now officially less than two months away instead! Ditch those spooky costumes for wreaths, lights and trees! 

Thinking of wearing a more “revealing” costume on Halloween? Ditch the slutty ensemble, and pick up a prayer book for 5 pm mass, ya filthy animal! ‘Tis the season for forgiveness and Christmas joy, and you’d better believe ole’ Saint Nick’s got his eye on you! Best to not show too much skin, because you don’t want to end up on his naughty list (I heard he’s giving naughty Penn kids mono instead of coal year since Penn Green has been on his ass about the dangers of fossil fuel use).

In all honesty, we just need to accept that the early onset of Christmas is an inevitable and unstoppable force of nature. Right now, the Christmas season begins the day after Halloween, marked by the return of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” on the radio. 

Seasoned experts predict that by 2025, Christmas will have expanded into mid-October, and by 2050, late September. There really isn’t much we can do, so you’d better watch out, and you’d better not cry: Winter is coming.