Brand New Diet! Guaranteed weight-loss* in one week**!

Have you been trying to lose that extra weight from winter break? Gained 15 pounds since coming back to school? No problem! Just follow the steps in this easy and enjoyable diet, tried by our resident expert. The key to weight loss is balance and portions. Our diet has been proven to make your weight fluctuate weekly, even daily! You may lose two pounds in two days! (And gain four more the next day). Try it for free!***

Day 1 (Friday):
Breakfast and Lunch: Wake up at noon so you can combine breakfast and lunch into one meal. Have Greek yogurt and fruit! Delicious and trendy!
Go to the gym before dinner! Walk uphill on the treadmill for 15 minutes, feel good about yourself. Think of it as a warm up for the rest of the week.
Dinner: Cup of Noodles (broth is slimming, right? And I think carbs are good for your figure?)
Dessert: No dessert for you tonight, bitch! But… nutella doesn’t really count as dessert. Since it’s technically for breakfast. Don’t bother using pretzels or apples to get the nutella to your mouth, just use a spoon, it’s less calories.

Day 2 (Saturday):
Brunch: It’s Saturday, and you know what that means… brunch! Wake up at noon and go to Hill. Instead of your usual pancake, waffle, bacon, fruit, coffee cake, ice cream and cookie, just have a waffle and ice cream. So much healthier!
Go to FroGro and optimistically buy frozen broccoli, a cup of fruit, and Greek yogurt.
Go to the gym and walk uphill on the treadmill for 20 minutes. You added five whole minutes! Go you!
Afternoon snack: Froyo! With M&Ms. It’s ok, yogurt is healthy (and fashionable)!
Dinner: You’ve gotta line that stomach for tonight! Mac and cheese and microwaved broccoli. Eat broccoli with a smile, knowing vegetables help you lose weight! (Make sure to put lots of salt on to make it taste better).
Go out with your friends. On your way home, pick up a soft pretzel, a bag of salty popcorn, TastyCakes, Tostitos, and shredded cheese from Wawa, because it will help you sober up and not have a hangover the next day. Eat the pretzel, half of the popcorn, half of the TastyCakes, and a plate of nachos. Drink almost a full bottle of water. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

Day 3 (Sunday):
Brunch: Wait in the endless omelet line at Hill. Two eggs, spinach, cheese, and mushrooms. Vegetables!
If you NEED an afternoon snack, you can have Greek yogurt. It’s natural, so it must be healthy.
Go to Body Combat class at gym! Feel self-conscious of all the sorority girls who go every week and look good in their spandex tank top and short shorts, while you wear a baggy tie-dyed shirt and your mesh lacrosse shorts from middle school. (Although, the fact that you still fit into your shorts from middle school… and don’t forget, you can fit into your dresses for Bar Mitzvahs from 7th grade! Those sorority girls don’t intimidate you!)
Dinner: Cup of Noodles and a romantic comedy. The rom com is motivation. You want to get your figure to Drew Barrymore size!
Dessert: Bag of peanut butter M&Ms (sharing size) and Heath bar. It’s ok, you need to balance healthy with candy! And, you did work out for a full hour today.

Day 4 (Monday):
Breakfast: Either have Reese’s Puffs and 1% milk (don’t even think about 2%) or a cinnamon-sugar bagel with light cream cheese from Einstein (light makes a difference). Make sure to drink a large amount of tea to help fill you up. (But make sure you know where the bathrooms are by your classes, as the tea makes you have to pee a lot… cleansing!)
Lunch: Pasta Action Station at Hill- don’t get sauce, it’s probably fattening. Just add extra oil!
Go to Body Combat class at the gym! Feel empowered because you are pretending to punch bad guys and getting out your frustration. Frustration from chocolate withdrawal. (Yeah, you had M&Ms and a Heath bar last night, but they don’t count!)
Dinner: Pick and choose at Commons. Try to make a salad, (but it turns out to just be spinach with dressing). Get some green beans. Curly fries (they’re healthier than regular French fries, right?) Make a grilled cheese, eat a few bites. Have three scoops of Oreo ice cream (it’s a pallet cleanser!)

Day 5 (Tuesday)
Breakfast: Reese’s Puffs and 1% milk.
Lunch: Go to lunch with a friend! Feel guilty when she orders a salad and you get a turkey burger and fries. But a turkey burger is better than a hamburger. And that’s why you can get fries.
Go to the gym. Try Zumba. (It’s not as great as everyone says it is.)
Dinner: Go to salad station at Houston. Unfortunately, it is not filling. Contemplate getting a container of Greek yogurt. They don’t have the flavor you like. Get ice cream from Insomnia. That’s basically the same as yogurt, right? Yes. Yes it is.

Day 6 (Wednesday)
Breakfast: Reese’s Puffs and 1% milk.
Lunch: Pasta Action Station at Hill. It’s OK to get pasta again, because you get broccoli, spinach, squash, and zucchini with it. No sauce, extra oil. Oh, they have Moose Tracks! Since they don’t usually have Moose Tracks, it’s OK to get four scoops.
You just don’t have enough time for a class at the gym today. Walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes.
Dinner: Gia Pronto! That’s supposed to be a healthy restaurant right? I think a lot of sorority girls go there, so it’s probably healthy. Get a chicken parmesan panini. Throw in a brownie, they benefit something.
Late night snack: Mozzarella sticks from Wawa! More like mmmmozzarella sticks, because they’re so delicious.

Day 7 (Thursday)
Breakfast: Reese’s Puffs and 1% milk
Lunch: You’ve been craving crepes. It’s OK, you’ve been eating healthy this week. You can indulge yourself in a strawberry banana nutella crepe.
Afternoon snack: mozzarella sticks and sweet cream pretzel from Wawa. They’re just so good!
You are so tired. It’s OK, you don’t have to go to the gym. You’ve been going all week. Just stay in your room and nap.
Dinner: Cup of noodles. Nutella and pretzels.
Nighttime snack: Popcorn. Peanut butter M&Ms. Eat half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked (froyo) while watching Friends with Benefits and tear up because Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are just so perfect for each other. Forget this diet! You will never look like Mila Kunis! Finish Friends with Benefits and watch When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan is so much more normal-looking. It’s refreshing. Quote every line of the movie along with it, and have no shame when your roommate walks in on you crying into your almost empty Ben and Jerry’s container. Explain to her that there is no one meant for each other more than Harry and Sally and it’s just such a beautiful movie. Pull up a chair for your roommate, give her a spoon for the Ben and Jerry’s she just bought, steal one of her chicken fingers from Wawa, and turn your attention back to Harry singing “Surrey with the Fringe on Top.”

*- while your weight may increase or stay the same after the diet ends, it will probably go down at some point
**- you will probably gain weight from this diet if you stay with it the whole week
***- you will not get your money back

Leave a Reply