Listen man, I’m only telling you this because you’re my good friend and I want the best for you: we all know that you’re wearing Margiela, that is not the issue; the problem is just that we do not care.
We can all see the four stitches below the back of your neck loud and clear, and we know the only reason you wear your backpack on one shoulder is to show them off. I can promise you that the people walking behind you on Locust Walk do not care… not one bit. Like seriously, they have not even registered your existence let alone taken the time to notice what you are wearing. If you were to disappear instantly, in front of their eyes, they would not notice.
I know that everyday you PRAY some girl is going to tap you on the back of your shoulder, point at your boots, and say to you, “oh my gosh, are those Carol Christian Poell!” Trust me man, you need to give it up. It’s never going to happen and it’s not healthy to keep thinking this way. That girl in your Art History seminar who wears a Prada re-nylon jacket and who reeks of cigarettes and Santal 33 does not know you exist. Also, she has a boyfriend and he goes to Yale.
Just because you own rare, out-of-print Fondazione Prada books does not mean that girls will automatically be attracted to you. You need to, you know, actually talk to one for them to get to know you. Otherwise, they will never know you exist. (And also, if you talk to them, please for the love of God talk about something else other than those damn books.) Look, I’m going to say something that might hurt you and I’m sorry for that but it’s the truth: I don’t even care about those books. I only pretended to be interested in them because I am your friend. But now you need an intervention, it has gotten too far.
Every time we ask you to hang out, you say that you’re busy. Then, at the end of the night I see that you’ve posted again to r/MaleFashionAdvice: “outfits I would wear to hang out with friends.” C’mon bro. You cannot spend every weekend locked in your dorm room arguing with people on Styleforum and Reddit. Your Styleforum reaction score does not translate into anything in real life. Neither does your Reddit karma. Calling people epithets online because they put rubber on the bottoms of their leather dress shoes is rotting your brain, you are losing the capacity to talk to normal people.
What I am going to tell you next will make you hate me, but my goal is to help you, not for you to like me. When you go back to your dorm room you will find all your most precious clothing items gone—the Raf knits, Bode jackets, all the Haider Ackermann you’ve been collecting for the past seven years.
I’ve also taken the liberty to get you banned from Reddit and Grailed and to delete every single one of your eBay saved searches. Now, listen to me, in your closet you’ll find a brand new wardrobe of Uniqlo, COS, and Zara. For the next three months you are going to need to live from this wardrobe and act like a NORMAL PERSON who DOES NOT care about fashion if you ever want your other clothes returned back to you (sorry about your Reddit and Grailed, those accounts are gone for good).
Go outside and pick up some new hobbies: touch grass, go on a hike, talk to someone and ask them about their day and pay attention when they speak. Without your clothes, it’ll also finally force you to do something productive with your life in order to still feel like you’re better than everyone else.