Day 0: To be honest, I know I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s just that, what if this stuff really works? No, but I’m sure it doesn’t. Anyway I’m rambling so let me get to the point: my friends all say I’m far too uninteresting of a person and that it’s damaging my relationships. I’m not into sports: although it’s fun, there’s no real point to it. I’m not into politics for the same reason. My favorite book? Well… would you count The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Government Jobs? It’s my favorite book because it helped me get my job fifteen years ago. Apparently most people can tell that I have a government job, I’m still not sure why. My favorite TV show? Rick Steves’ Europe. I will admit though—sometimes it gets too intense and I need to take a break. I’ve tried everything I could to become more interesting. Weed just makes me sleepy, drinking just makes me violent. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve only ever tried substance abuse. Anyway, my friends have recommended psychedelics as a final attempt to save me. I start tomorrow–it’s the first time I’ve felt excited in a while.
Day 1: That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The only side effect was when I came home, I was disgusted with the man I saw in the mirror and wanted him to look more like the people in my hallucinogen visions. So I threw out all my Izod polos and Vineyard Vines shorts and bought a full closet of Rick Owens and Balenciaga… I think I’m starting to understand what it means to be down to earth.
Day 7: Okay, this stuff really works, so much so that I’ve ditched all my old friends because they’re now far too boring for me. You really wouldn’t recognize me. I read books now, do you even know what those are? You’ve probably never heard of Franz Kafka or Gilles Deleuze, let me tell you about them…
Day 15: I am now a Theravada Buddist. Yep. The Buddha spoke to me in a vision and told me to convert. There’s a local Buddist group that I go to now and you know what’s crazy? Everyone there is just like me! Apparently they too all used to wear Izod Polos and Vineyard Vines pants. But now we all found the truth!
Day 20: I’ve decided that I need a new start in life, which is why I’ve made the brave decision to move from Westchester to the West Village. Relocation was actually pretty easy because the Buddha also told me that I needed to switch jobs. He said I was living my life too comfortably and too complacently. So I left my career as a public accountant for New York State and will begin a career in wealth management for J.P. Morgan. The Buddha told me I was destined for this path.
Day 22: My new friends and I have decided to travel the world. We’re gonna go see all the most eclectic sights, discover different people, and become cultured in experiences radically disparate to our own. The plan is as follows: London, then Paris, then Lisbon, and then to end the trip, island hopping in Greece.
Day 30: I… cannot believe how well this has worked. I don’t even recognize my old self. Quite frankly, I used to be an absolute dullard, I have no clue how I even made it this far. Upper-middle class life in the suburbs, job as an accountant, no hobbies and no strong beliefs in anything. God, I was such a bore. Now, I live in the city. My apartment is decorated with Cézanne and Matisse reprints from MoMA. I’m also proud to say that I own an Eames Chair, it’s the first thing I tell girls about when I bring them over. I know if she’s the right one based on whether she leaves right after or not. I am about to travel the world with my new Buddhist friends. I was gonna say that I will find myself in Europe but I think I’ve already found myself and I love who he is. He’s exciting, interesting, eclectic, and deeply addicted to drugs.