Super Bowl Commercials Suck

Well, the Super Bowl was a rolling fiasco. Right from the first play, we all knew this was gonna be one to remember. A safety resulting from a longsnap gone too long within the first 15 seconds was just the start of the subsequent “Ivy score” massacre. As millions of fans collectively groaned at the absolute incompetence of the Equestrian team vs the Ornithological one (I am ashamed to use their actual names), we looked to the last hope for salvaging this horrendous show: the commercials. And, much to no one’s surprise, they too fell short of expectations. Here are just a few of the ones that stuck out in our minds, an where they could have improved.

2014 Maserati Ghibli: Ah yes, this one kicked off the slew of disappointing “could’ve beens.” Dark motifs, inspiring pseudo proletarian revolution diction narrated by an ominous young child, and strong pro-underdog sentiments simply scream 99%. I was honestly expecting this to be an antisocial apocalypse movie. Nope. Luxury Italian Sedan.

Recommendation: Better as a Doritos commercial. Would’ve been ironic and very funny. All that pent up anxiety would be great fuel for a comedic twist.

Turbo Tax Prom Commercial: This one was really funny. This one was compelling from the start. This one started with a solid universal premise and expounded upon it using a metaphor that we can all relate to. This one had a sympathetic character and had us hooked right up to the reveal. This one ended up being about taxes. Total buzzkill. I felt bad for you, loser guy on the couch, watching your dream girl make out with that gold suit guy. And then, you just lost me with the whole compulsory payment to the federal government thing.

Recommendation: Better as a Doritos commercial. Ok I know I already used this one, but it is true, it would have been a much more appropriate ending.

Steven Colbert and Wonderful Pistachios: This one was all in all a phenomenal commercial. It was over the top in the way that all commercial should be. Stephen Colbert brought the same showmanship that he routinely does to his Report. He was funny, ludicrous, and every bit as Colbert-y as we could hope. What’s the problem then?

Recommendation: Better as a Doritos commercial. Pistachios? Really? Be more American. Also, it would’ve been waaaaay funnier if he opened up his skull and a bag of Doritos was just sitting in there.

2014 Ford Fusion: Really? Rob Riggle? James Franco? Come on, you can do better. Overused tropes and flashy imagery that distracts more than redirects attention abound. Besides, Ford? This one was doomed from the start and splitting it into two parallel commercials just doubled the agony

Recommendation: Better as a Doritos commercial. Or not as a commercial at all.

America the Beautiful as Bastardized by Coke: Something, something, foreigners suck. Immigration bad. ‘Murrica good. Other languages are unpatriotic. The twittersphere exploded over this one.

Recommendations: Better as a Doritos commercial. What cools off the heat of xenophobic hate more than a fistful of Cool Ranch Doritos?

Leave a Reply