Before the times of masks and social distancing, thousands of students once flooded the dorms of our beloved campus. Otherwise known as “fresh meat,” some came with hopes of having the time of their life, some with hopes for groundbreaking scientific discoveries, and some with hopes of, quite honestly, nothing more than getting laid. So if this is your goal: here is a list of the first-year dorms ranked on how likely you are to get laid. Class of 2025, take notes.

7. Gregory — honestly, people are going to be more focused on how to survive the heat with no AC than turning UP the heat with anyone if you know what I mean.

6. Dubois — Honestly, I’ve never met anyone that’s lived there, and that’s probably indicative of both its popularity and the social skills of those who live there. Much like your chances of getting laid, the social scene here is nonexistent.

5. Stouffer — There are about 50 people TOTAL living in Stouffer, and while they might have cool hammocks, for the purposes of your “relief,” your chances are SLIM, your options are few, and your efforts are best focused elsewhere.

4. Kings Court English (KCECH) — KCECH is pretty much the exact middle of the road: it’s not terrible, but its definitely not all that great. The dining hall is fine, and that brings in some traffic, but unfortunately the only available things of real “interest” here are the Program Communities.

3. Lauder (previously known as New College House or NCH) — The dining hall here is BOUJEE as all hell, so you might have better odds with some of the gold diggers lurking in the halls. Also, it’s huge, meaning there are more people to try and ~connect~ with. Listen, it’s a numbers game.

2. Quad (Fisher Hassenfeld, Riepe, Ware) — Literally every person in the Quad is trying to get laid. Every. Single. One. They’re all freshman and ~exploring~, which means everyone else has the same idea as you. The only reason it’s #2 because there is a scientifically proven 98% chance you get mono hooking up in the quad, causing everyone to find out, and all but killing your chances of securing another hookup for the foreseeable future.

1. Hill — Hill is one of our newly redesigned houses, with a fairly decent dining hall below it as well. It gets a lot of traffic from engineering, but let’s face it – you want someone who might actually understand human interaction beyond what they’ve read in textbooks. Luckily, this dorm is all the way across campus from the fraternity life. While this initially sounds like an obstacle, you’ll soon realize that this walk back from parties is a great opportunity to mix and mingle with the other drunkards along the way. This also presents the added benefit of increasing the population of the more “social” crowd you’ll encounter living at Hill. Stick with these conversations long enough, however, and it might just be worth your while.