Stress Foods: RANKED

Finals season is fast approaching. As such, we thought it might be nice to provide you with a list of the best foods to eat when you’re totally broken down and emotionally raw. This list is obviously subjective, but also if you disagree you’re just wrong and stupid.

Handfuls of Dry Cereal

A classic stress food. Satisfies sweet and crunchy. Could be described as healthy by the truly desperate. Easy to eat with only your hands and a sense of panic. Another added bonus? Since you’d eat it for breakfast, it’s techincally a full meal. A

Entire Family-Sized Bag of Chips

Another classic snack. Satisfies crunchy and salty. Many varieties to choose from. Leaves you feeling extremely shitty afterwards. Easy to eat with your hands, although it leaves them a bit messy. Also brings with it the guilt of being unhealthy. A-

A Lot of Mini Marshmallows

Undervalued stress snack. Satisfies sweet and chewy. Good contrast after chips or pretzels. Leaves powder on your hands, but can be smushed to make edible play dough. B+

Raisins/Dried Fruit

The snack your mom always told you to eat. Sadists’ idea of Halloween candy. Satisfies sweet and chewy. Best consumed after bag of chips (to “even out” the unhealthiness), but still not very good. Overall, pretty underwhelming. D

Someone Else’s Leftovers

Absolutely hits the spot every time. Just happens to be the food you were craving. Comes with guilt and a few arguments and/or good lying. Can be messy. Make sure to leave no evidence behind; plausible deniability is your friend. A-

An Entire Meal, But at Like 4:00pm

Good for pulling all-nighters. You won’t need to eat again until at least 11:30. Filling, and provides energy. Despire this, it always seems to throw off your internal clock. Can often leave you tired and bloated. Subject to judgment from normal functioning people. B-

Entire Chocolate Cake

Usually the result of an impulse buy. This is why you need the right mindset to grocery shop. Delicious. Satisfies sweet, chewy and chocolate. A little too filling, but you can’t leave any leftovers (you have to hide the fact that you even bought a cake in the first place). Leaves you full of both shame and cake. C+

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