by Andrew Piskai
Dear Gossip World,
It seems that every day an A-List celebrity appears in the news with information about their newly revealed sexuality. Usually it comes as no surprise when a famous male with seemingly effeminate traits comes out of the closet, however occasionally we as a society just plain don’t see it coming. After all, tough guys can be just as gay too. However, today, I have news of a scandal that no one expected. Lance Bass said in an announcement last night in an Atlanta nightclub that he is returning to the closet.
Mr. Bass, of legendary *NSYNC fame, has been most noted for his dazzling good looks, vocal ability, and fashion sense for over a decade. When he announced to People magazine in 2006 that he was a homosexual, it broke the candy-covered hearts of pre-teenage, tweenage, teenage and post-teenage girls across the nation. They wept and tore up posters of him in large rallies in New York City, and some went as far as to make death threats to him. Mr. Bass was quoted as saying “I knew there would be considerable backlash, but this is totes crazy man. Here pass me that conditioner. Okay, now get out of my bathroom.” Compounding his problems and much to Mr. Bass’ surprise, the gay community was not as supportive as he had hoped. Beckley Tucker, an active spokesman for the civil rights group SHOE (Society for Homosexual Opportunity and Equality), explained that “most of the gay community long-preferred the Backstreet Boys. Or Justin Timberlake. It’s nothing personal, J.T. just has the moves.”
After his cold reception and dramatic loss of support Mr. Bass has pondered his course of action for much of the past two years. He, after first “un-coming out” to his family and close friends, did not make his closet re-entry public until last night. Preliminary polls show that his image has changed very little, but one bigot said he was “damn proud of Lance for making the choice to move back to Straightsville.” Many people also claimed, “O yeh I knew he was straight all along. He always did straight things and he just looks straight. I mean, come on, just look at him!” While the effect of this transition will undoubtedly shift the public’s perception of Mr. Bass, the manner in which it does so remains to be seen.
Live from the closet,
A. T. Piskai