by Sam Pasternack

Sam Pasternack was supposed to write a review of Avatar when he went to see it, but got distracted by the push-button butter machine. In his stead, we had an old man review the movie…..

When I went to the movie theater to see Avatar last Tuesday at 10 am, I was surprised that the film was not a fantastic thrill ride of adrenaline like Precious or Up In The Air, but instead a boring military documentary. I was upset when I first walked in to the theater and an usher tried to hand me a pair of glasses. I couldn’t fit them on top of the bifocals I already wear, but I think that usher may have been an optometrist because the movie was blurry the whole time. However this did not stop me from continuing my review.

First of all, I don’t get it. What’s the message? Aren’t documentaries supposed to have a message? Even though its message may have been nonexistent, the film revealed some truths that I never knew existed. I had no idea that we sent people to this Pandora planet, but it was probably that Jimmy Carter who sent them up there. As for the film, it reminded me of a cross between Gone with the Wind and Caddyshack. The symbolism was visible and clear, although I found the OJ Simpson metaphor a bit strained. And I thought the subjects that the documentary focused on were interesting, even though that one woman looked an awful lot like Sigourney Weaver. Overall, I thought the film wasn’t too terrible, but the filmmaker did not address two glaring issues in Avatar. First of all, what are the odds that the two main characters (the cripple and the blueberry man) would both be named Jake Sully? This is an incredible coincidence that the film should have really focused on. Second, there was a major and obvious loophole in this movie that made it look so fake: why didn’t the aliens have pockets? How could they hold their keys or wallet if they don’t have pockets? I thought they were trying to make Avatar as realistic and revealing as possible, but the unrealistic lack of pockets just made the story seem less believable.

But there are issues raised in this movie that are far grander than you and I. We as a country need to get rid of our dependence on Unobtainium. Think of how much Unobtainium was used when the film crew brought all of the film equipment from Earth to Pandora. I want all of my readers to write a letter to President Carter demanding him to start searching for alternative fuels. Also, seeing an American general die on-screen enraged me, and I want to know why the filmmakers did not try to stop the foreigners from killing him. Nobody seems to care about this! The hippie liberals will probably sympathize with the blueberry (muffin) people. Don’t be surprised if Bono and Bing Crosby put together some sort of LiveAid shindig/hootenanny for the blue things.

Lastly, a note to the plucky new filmmaker who finally made it, Jimmy Cameron. Listen Jim, my grandson is looking for a job, and I think you should consider giving him an internship for your next documentary. He is willing to commute to Pandora.