Last night the UA completed its budget for the coming year. While most student government events are the kind of self important snore fest one can only get through if aided by an eightball cut into a can of Red Bull, this meeting is important because this is when the UA brings home the bacon: when student groups and clubs bring forth their hottest members, fall into the lap of a lovelorn UA rep, bat their eyes with the promise of unimagined pleasured and seductively whisper: “Give the Geology Club travel expenses and I’ll give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of”. And thus your tuition dollars disappear into a new linotype machine or whatever the fuck it is student publications spend their money on (seriously, how do student magazines get so much money every year? I guess they’re just stone cold bad asses). A couple of other highlights of what student groups received what:

SCUE: Mercy money sufficient for roses, chocolate, a nice dinner, and anything else deemed necessary to bring the organization’s collective successful date tally to 1.

NEC: Funds for 5 bales of weed, a ki of coke, 10 bottles of Jack and 56 acid tabs, the bare minimum needed to put up with student elections every year. Also money for one .45 automatic when the drugs don’t numb the whines anymore.

SAC: Money, an endless, gushing pipeline of money. Do you realize how many of Penn’s cutest belong to SAC sponsored groups? Do you realize how few will talk to you again if you fail to be their sugar daddy?

UA: Dear student groups, we’re sorry you find our retreat to Aruba excessive. The UA is committed to openness and encourages you to contact your student rep to file a complaint…as soon as he and the rest of us get back from Aruba. We promise to take your complaint with all due seriousness, and will laugh at you only after you have left the room.

Suck a D,

Your student government 😉

SPEC: Enough to get this really cool indie band we saw last week. No, students will totally like them, back off. So my friend is in the group, big deal. Okay fuck you, just give me the check or Fling is off. That’s what I thought, bitch.

All student groups without friends on the Budget Council: A massive middle finger