by Chris Van Orden

Excerpts from
The Short-Lived Tenure of Marilyn Hotchkeppel,
Former Food Writer for The Punch Bowl

SPICY GARLIC GAZPACHO – 7/28
This cold tomato soup is sure to warm up any romantic rendezvous with Latin heat! That special Spaniard will go loco for this sassy recipe.

-2 cans diced tomatoes
-3 stalks celery
-4 cloves garlic
-Pinch of ancho chili powder

            1. Chop celery and garlic. Add to hot sauce pot with 1 tbsp olive oil.
           2. Add tomatoes and stew until boil; reduce heat and let simmer 45 minutes.
           3. Take off heat, add chili powder, and let chill. Meanwhile, run upstairs and slip into something a little more comfortable.
           4. Curl up with your special guest and let the spice of garlic and chilies spark a night of passion!

EASY CHEESY NOODLES – 8/1
A simple recipe with simple flavors – the perfect way to resolve a simple misunderstanding with a loved one. Your husband will adore you when you plate this comfort food, his absolute favorite in the world.

-1/2 box elbow macaroni
-1/4 cup each of cheddar, mozzarella, and Monterray Jack, shredded
-Salt and pepper, to taste

           1. Boil pasta in salted water.
           2. Strain and toss in cheeses.
           3. Place in buttered pan and bake at 400 for 15 minutes.

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY – 8/3
So quick and easy, even your husband, Tom, can handle it. After all, he’s so busy with ‘work’, he barely has time for you, let alone cooking.

-2 slices bland, stale white bread
-Chunky peanut butter (no reduced fat – the gut is worth the flavor)
-Grape jelly

           1. Make the goddamn sandwich.
           2. Enjoy it with your feet up on the couch, drinking your seventh beer while watching football.
           3. Don’t wash up – your wife will do it. She won’t mind. It’s not like she has her own life, anyway.

DOGSHIT – 8/5
Know what, Tom? I did sleep with Raul the caterer. And it was fantastic. Maybe if you paid a little attention to me for once in your miserable life, I wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere for affection. You were never there for me. Never.

-1 large piece of dogshit, divided

           1. Eat shit.
           2. I want a divorce.