1. How often do you wear red sweaters?
   1. Every day *has never actually worn a red sweater*
   2. Depends, but I always keep one with me in case I rip my other suits
   3. Only when I land on them
   4. Never, but I will beat ISIS
2. Do you have a mustache?
   1. No, but I have always supported mustaches
   2. Yup!
   3. No, but I have hair on my legs to aid in my awareness of my surroundings
   4. Believe me, I grow the best mustaches, nobody has a better mustache than I do
3. How big are your hands?
   1. Small, but I only need one finger to hit the delete button
   2. Just the right size for hugs
   3. Idk, insect-like?
   4. Yuge
4. What are your feelings on Donald Trump’s comments about Rosie O’Donnell?
   1. I am absolutely appalled by his misogynistic comments
   2. Rosie O’Donell seems like a nice lady
   3. My life span is 24 hours so that’s ancient history to me
   4. Donald Trump is my hero, and nobody feels bad for Rosie O’Donnell
5. What are your feelings on Hillary Clinton’s face?
   1. Just imagine it on Mt. Rushmore
   2. I really care more about the country’s energy policy
   3. I would love to land on it
   4. Just imagine it behind bars
6. Monica Lewinsky….. GO!!
   1. The past is the past… I don’t hold anything against her…
   2. I try to see the good in everybody so no comment
   3. This question means nothing to me
   4. lol
7. What do you think constitutes locker room talk?
   1. I prefer back room talk that nobody hears. Ever.
   2. I don’t spend much time in locker rooms, so I wouldn’t know
   3. With my friends? Usually just a lot of buzzing
   4. Literally anything; legality is of no concern. By the way did I mention I’d beat ISIS?
8. How important is laughter to you?
   1. I try to do it once a day!
   2. Life without laughter is not worth living
   3. I have no trachea and am incapable of laughter
   4. Much more important than it was before I realized people actually took me seriously
9. What’s the most important issue in this election to you?
   1. Making me president. Seriously guys, it’s been 16 years what are you waiting for?
   2. This country’s energy policy
   3. The potential no-fly zone over Syria
   4. Ethnic cleans- I mean, making America great again

 

 

Answer Key

If you got…

Mostly A’s- You are Hillary Clinton! You are fiercely determined to get what you want, and will do literally anything to get it. Your heart is probably in the right place, but you say what you think your audience wants to hear so it’s hard to tell

Mostly B’s- You are Kenneth Bone! You are the embodiment of comfort; your quiet and kind demeanor can soften even the most embittered hearts

Mostly C’s– You are the fly! You know life is short, so you live like a free spirit. You have little respect for anybody’s authority but your own, and you can command attention on any stage

Mostly D’s– You are Donald Trump! Your whole life you’ve been underestimated, people never thought you could make it as far as you have, but your intense self-denial and proud ignorance have struck a chord with many around you. You constantly leave people in awe with your unpredictability and vivid imagination.

Tie Between 2 or More- You are an undecided voter! You are an inherently conflicted human being, having proven yourself unable to choose between two literally polar opposites. Seriously, just make up your mind so we can know who won the election and end this hell.