by Michelle Zimmerman
Hey all you hopeless romantics, confused freshmen, and frustrated pre-meds/J.A.P.S./Japs (I can’t be the only one out there). I’m Michelle, and I’m the gal with like all the best advice on campus. I totally want to help you survive this year at Penn. So please please please email me with things that are like bumming you out/if you just need friendly advice! But like if you want to ask me out on a date, this is not the time or place. Can’t wait to hear from you all! XOXOXOXO
Q. I’ve got a crush on this guy in my bio class, but he doesn’t seem to notice me at all. What can I do to get his attention?
R. AWWW, I love meeting cute boys in class too!!! It’s like, fate, because then you have someone to carry your books for you and tell you how cute you look today. And you can totally gaze into each other’s eyes instead of your old, crusty biology prof talking about fatty acids (eww!), or something else sciencey. Lol!! But I mean, if he doesn’t notice you, I guess that means you’re pretty unnoticeable. So my advice is to like just get him to notice you. That always works really well for me. Good luck with that hun!!
P.s. Just so you know, if you’re not cute, then that’s like a whole other problem. I see so many girls like that around campus and I get like soooo sad for them cuz it’s not their fault. 🙁 So like, in that case, I have one word…MAKEOVER! My prescription for the uncute girl is like stilettos, a rockin’ push-up, and lip gloss, lip gloss, lip gloss! Or collagen, Dr. 90210 is my God!
Q. I got randomly placed in a room this year and my roommate is a complete nightmare! It’s only been a week, but she leaves messes around the apartment and she keeps her music on all night, and have you ever tried falling asleep to Shakira coming through your wall? It’s not easy. The worst part is that she has some nasty thing growing on her foot that peels off and I find the flakes around the apartment. Can you please help me out? If I don’t do something, it’s going to be a long year.
R. OMG!! I love Shakira!!! I’m on tonight, you know my hips don’t lie, and I am starting to feel you boy… I totally just busted out a little booty shake, hehehe. You’re lucky your roommate has like the best taste in music. It’s probably like a 24/7 PARTAY!!! My freshman roommate listened to like Muse and the Killers. Umm…it was a like total emo fest and I wanted to strangle myself with my bare hands. I didn’t though.
But I mean I fully feel your pain with like the messy apartment thing. I could give you the number for my cleaning service if you want. They’re totally like the sweetest, like hardest working people EVER! One day the mom goes, ”Porque no te vas a leer un libro, jovencita estupida.” I don’t know what that means, but how freaking cute is that? I was just like, “I don’t speak Portuguese!” lololol! So you should really give them a call.
And you’re other problem, the like stinky foot thing. EWW! I completely know how you feel, cuz I once got a really bad sunburn and my skin like flaked off for a week. I thought all my skin was going to come off. It was the absolute worst moment of my life! So maybe you should just like wear some sandals around the apartment and be a little more sympathetic (oh yea! bonus points for that S.A.T. word!).
Gosh, I like totally impress myself sometimes. If you listen to me, I know you’ll have like the best year ever!!! And if you’re in the mood for rockin’ out to some Latin tunes, you know where to find me… Smooches lover!
Q. I’m freaking out. Last week my girlfriend was getting a little distant and I could see things were headed downhill. I figured I should break up with her and not drag things out. But when I finally decided to talk to her, she told me that she was getting distant because she “missed her period.” I’m only 20, this can’t happen now. What should I do?
R. Like, wow. I don’t even know where to start. This is like the best thing that could happen to your sex life, like ever. “Missed her period.” Do you know what that means? I do. That’s like code for “all the sex you can handle.” Just think about it. No period=no chance to get pregnant=no need for protection=a good time had by all (or just you two) hehehe! Any girl would totally agree. Periods are just icky. Like I’d give anything for it to just like go away, except have a baby, teehee. So now that your girlfriend told you why she was all distant and stuff, like get over it and go “make up.” Take my word for it, when the time of the month comes around all the fun’s over bucko! So stock up on the K-Y, make your girl a mixed cd, and just like rock-her-world, or I’ll do it for you! AHH! J/k j/k j/k, lesbians ewww!!