Excerpts From The Nuclear Apocalypse Just Happened for Dummies

by Johnny McNulty

The Nuclear Apocalypse Just Happened for Dummies:
A Reference For What’s Left of Us.

The Nuclear Apoca-what?

           One of the most frequent questions those of us still living at For Dummies receive is: “Is anybody there? Oh god. They’re all gone. They’re all gone. There are things moving in the shadows… I wish this were all over.” Or, put more plainly, “What should I do now that civilization has pressed the reset button?” If this sounds like you, then be reassured: you’re not falling behind the curve. In fact, 90% of humanity didn’t even survive the initial effects, so you’re already in the “A” range.
           Many aren’t sure where they stand in this glowing new world. Is it business as usual, or should you join the strongest faction at hand and carve out a place in the world by any means necessary?

Joining A Fledgling Civilization

Before you exhaust your meager supplies on those deadweight children, strike out with your family to find any humans in your region. Before you leave, check a few things:

– Make sure you’re in the ethnic/religious majority in your area! Whatever society forms from this wreckage will be stricken with xenophobic hatred. The word “reactionary” will be a relic of times when the “different” were merely politically excluded, not hit with a rock.
– Men: Check your wife, if you have one. Is she still of childbearing age? Strong enough to slash the throat of a mutated prairie dog or nighttime assailant? Is she still a woman?
– Women: Is your husband checking you for these things? If this might be a problem, kill him before he comes to terms with doing it to you. Make up something later to tell your kids about their heroic dad, who died wrestling an ICBM to the ground to save them. If they’re too old for this, wave the knife around and tell them anyone who fucks with you can expect the same.
– Children: Life expectancy is now below thirty. By all logic your parents should be dead already, so don’t feel bad if you need to “ease them out of the picture.”

Now that you’ve gathered your nuclear family, (pun intended!) scour your surroundings for the gathering places of Earth’s shattered souls.

– In urban areas, check subway tunnels and sewers. Nuke survivors are often drawn there for its many benefits (lack of light hides your melted visage, cool damp air sooths your many burn wounds, rats) and they are usually intact.
CAVEAT: These caverns will likely have an established power base: the bums who lived there beforehand. One recommend strategy is overthrowing their fragile order, capitalizing on their mentally instability, or pretending to be unstable yourself. If a bum asks why you don’t look familiar, tell him his hat is ringing and that you are an astronaut. He will most likely believe you and excuse himself to take the call.
– If you’re in suburbia, there’s a good chance that some of your neighbors will be alive. Pay them a neighborly call to check up on them.
– If one of them asks to borrow some sugar, look closer: Has he or she mutated into a human-fly hybrid? If so, don’t tell him/her/fly you have sugar, because then he/she/fly will come over all the time. If your neighbors are human-mosquito monsters, only be alarmed if they are female, and make sure to cover your outdoor pool so they can’t reproduce.
– You’re all in this together! Your fellow man is your comrade in building a tomorrow where the sins of the past won’t be repeated. That is, until he begins frothing and biting, and then the healthy ones become comrades in bashing his head in with a shovel.

Stabilizing your City-State

If you’re still reading this book, presumably you’ve survived the transition to rudimentary statehood. Now it’s time to turn to the bringing of peace to your land.
– Make sure your local mutants are utilizing their comparative advantages. A mutant who has a silk-producing gland shouldn’t be a schoolteacher, unlike a nun with a yardstick for a hand.
– Invest in public transport and green spaces. It really helps the sense of community.
– This may seem like a small point, but the size to which dogs have grown post-Event has vastly increased the relevance of curbing regulations.
– With neighboring civilizations, be cautious before dealing too much with them. If they’re a band of ultraviolent grotesques with a vendetta against the living, you may want to restrict immigration, or just give temporary work visas.

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