Thanksgiving Conversation With My Parents

by Walker Hawkins

If you’ve ever visited before, you’ve probably realized that the one thing we lack is originality. With that said, here’s another Thanksgiving themed piece.

A conversation with my parents sometime during Thanksgiving:

Parents: “We’re so glad to have you home, how was your flight?”
Me: “It was ok, kind of long, but it wasn’t too bad.”
P: “Good. How has your semester been so far?”
M: “It’s been alright, a lot of work you know, but it could be worse.”
P: “Well, your sister has been doing really well in school, plus she’s on both varsity basketball and volleyball.”
M: “Oh really? Good for her.”
P: “Yeah, they say with her grades and all of her extracurricular activities she can pretty much go wherever she wants.”
M: “That’s nice”
P: “She’s really something, we’re so proud of her, she’s really going places. We’re just so lucky to have a child like her.”
M: “Yeah, she really is something…”
P: “Something, she’s our everything. We’re just glad you’re getting a decent education; we were always convinced you wouldn’t even go to college.”
M: “What?!”
P: “Yeah, for the longest time, we just thought you would live at home until your mother and I finally decided to leave in the middle of the night while you were sleeping.”
M: “You know Penn is the fifth ranked university in the country right?”
P: “5th, have you every heard of little university known as Harvard? They say that’s where you’re sister could go if she keeps on the same path.”
M: “I’m in the Wharton School!”
P: “Is that the special education program they have at Penn?”
M: “It’s the business school…ranked #1 in the country.”
P: “I’m pretty sure that’s not right.”
M: “How do you not know that, you’re paying for it?”
P: “We never really paid attention, like I said, we were just glad that you got out of the house.”
M: “You’re paying $50,000 a year just to get me out of the house?”
P: “Money well spent I’d say.”
M: “I’m going to my room.”
P: “Alright fine, but please don’t masturbate, we’re having dinner in 30 minutes…by the way, why don’t you get a girlfriend?”
M: “I have one…”
P: “You don’t need to lie to me, I’m your father…”
M: “I swear, I do, she’s great…”
P: “I think you mean “he”?”
M: “Alright I’m leaving…”
P: “You know your sister would never talk to us like that.”

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