by Vishes Agrawal

For today’s column, Vishesh Agrawal has carefully researched this newsletter just for you.

With all of this uproar over California’s Proposition 8 banning gay marriage, some equally important propositions have become overlooked and ignored (much like the gays themselves). These are critical measures that could theoretically change the lifestyles of the people who live in one of the nation’s most fucked up states.

Prop x) – Designed to prevent interracial marriages. This was a long time coming. No one was happy with the whole Arnold and Maria thing. Has the support of both the Kennedy family and the Mormon Church.

Prop 7,000,000 – Makes every Hispanic person change their name to José for simplicity. Largely a symbolic measure because the proposition also prevents Latinos from getting driver’s licenses and IDs. Has the support of Lou Dobbs. Literally, just Lou Dobbs.

Prop 69– No one has really figured out what this proposition does. Most people assume that Californians like everything to be as sexual as possible.

Prop infinite (paths to enlightenment) – Supported by radical Hindu fundamentalists, trendy socialites, and hippies, this proposition would require that elementary and middle school students be taught yoga as an alternative to evolution. Although, the proposition makes absolutely no sense, supporters of the proposition are placing their hopes on the fact that pretty much anyone can convince a school board to teach anything. In fact, the fewer scientists who support it, the better.

Prop 2nd (trimester) – Allows for the sale of all Abortion Clinics to fitness guru Tony Little who plans to quickly change them into a chain of gyms called The Ab on Clinic. Has the backing of both Catholics and really fat Catholics. The company is rethinking its previous slogan “We help remove things from your body that you don’t want” to help pass the meal.