by Rish Chaudhuri
Hi there buddy! Do words not come easy to you? Are you trying to find a way to say “I love you” to that special person who never gives you the light of day? Fear not! For only $2.69* SASPenn (Socially Awkward Students at Penn) are here to ease your troubles. We will come up with things to say for you (tactless and creepy, just the way you like it), and deliver it to the ones you love/obsess/have as your desktop background and screensaver. Some of our most popular messages over the years have been:
1. I’m thinking of you….in my pants
2. I like you. You are a nice. Let’s go disco dancing.
3. I want to piss on you
4. You are the only person I masturbate to in the entire Facebook universe
5. I would really like it if you could be my bitch
6. I gave you my love, but you gave me syphilis…
But that’s not all. For an extra $3 we will draw some blood from you, and write your desired message in YOUR OWN BLOOD! What a way to speak from the heart! You will also get a shady messenger dressed in Goth clothing absolutely free of charge. Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you a seemingly futile way of getting there! Psych!
Remember; send in all your requests before February the 12th, because as the oft quoted adage goes, “Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day, when restraining order worthy things are deemed ok!”
All proceeds go to the Jeffrey Dahmer Foundation for Kids That Can’t Read Good
*Not included in probable legal fees you’d have to pay due to the court case that might be filed against you