1. Change the name

Dear ol Ben definitely dropped the ball here. Everyone knows when erecting a school, building, water fountain, you name it after yourself. ‘University of Pennsylvania’ is just too damn long…how pathetic is it to see it squeezed on a shirt. Plus its not sexy enough. I mean guys does saying, “I went to the University of Pennsylvania” make morally flexible chicks drop the panties? No, but “I went to Harvard/Yale/Princeton/Cornell ::gag::” will. By the time you’re finished saying it she’ll probably be passed out (not like that would stop any true Quaker but still it’s the principle).

Solution: Take a page out of Puff Daddy’s book…switch the name up. Who’s going to notice anyway? One-word titles are just better (eg. Madonna, Prince, God).

2. Get Rid of the Jersey Kids

Don’t get your Armani Exchanges in a bunch…hear me out first. Name three things Jersey is known for…I’ll wait. Jersey is the bastard child of New York and Connecticut. It has no identity…Penn is full of kids from Jersey…hence Penn has no identity.

Solution: Bus the Jersey kids out to lets say…Idaho? That way they can feel exotic. Import witty sexy Euro trash. Accented, elitist, and emaciated…they are the true representation of any Ivy League institution.

3.Feature Film/Primetime TV

What was Harvard before Legally Blonde, Brown before the O.C., or Dartmouth before Gossip Girl?

Solution: Movie and/or television show with Penn as the focus….perhaps a mellow-drama about the trials and tribulations of urinating on…everything. Maybe an homage to West side story where two lovers, one from Penn, the other find Drexel, find love…hmmm, scratch that, we are trying to up our image here.

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