WASHINGTON– Republicans have strengthened their global warming stance in the wake of two recent climatological developments. They have now added an important caveat to their stance: were global warming a real thing, it would be good for us.

“First off, look at this polar vortex. Chicago is just as cold as ANTARTICA. Clearly global warming can’t be real because we are CLEARLY cooling, you idiots. Also, if it were warming, then that would be good for Chicago, where it’s frankly just too cold” says the Trump-appointed EPA head.

“Next, and I’m gonna cite some real data here, global warming would just be helpful to our crop yields. That sounds good to me! I mean forget the long run, you know, when the crop yields will be dropped to a third of what they are now (as that’s entirely theoretical anyway), and look at this incredibly short-sighted, but also true, data. Global warming would be GOOD for food, were it real” he continued.

Still doubting the science of global warming, the RNC chairman said “I just don’t get it. People love Florida and it’s warm as heck there! I mean we go to the Caribbean for vacation, don’t we? What if everywhere could be that warm?? It would be wonderful. All this talk of ‘mElTiNg IcE CaPs’ — which I have yet to understand how that’s related to us… I mean the ice caps are like waaaayyyy up there and we are like wayyyyy down here… but regardless, more water means more beach front property, and global warming means more beach days. If the world were warming, which it’s not, and if it were our fault, which again it wouldn’t be, then it seems to me like it would be really good for our tans and mental health.”