PETA activists and batter enthusiasts Kentucky Fried Chicken recently made an innovation to fatty technology. Just when you thought their chicken couldn’t be any more cardiac arresting, they decided to go one step further and say “Cluck Bread.” Thus out of one of Colonel Sanders’ morphine induced hallucinations was born the Double Down. This immaculate consumption consists of cheese, bacon, and Colonel Sauce smack tab in the middle of two diarrhea inducing chicken tenders. All in all this is the worst thing to come out of Kentucky since Jefferson Davis. But folks love innovation, almost as much as I love collecting Hello Kitty statuettes (don’t you fucking judge me). So following the advent of the double down, many other companies decided to follow suit. Here are some hot piping new Double Down prototypes. It seems like the whole world’s got Double Down syndrome.
The Double Chin: Two Wendy’s Baconators covered in twinkie cream, with a picture of John Goodman in the middle.
Tagline: “Yeah you probably feel bad about eating two whole Baconators. But staring at that Jabba the Hut lookalike Mr. Goodman makes you feel a lot skinnier.”
The Double Clown: A copy of Stephen King’s IT slammed between both members of the Insane Clown Posey.
Tagline: “The only thing scarier than Stephen King is the fact that these two cow tippers have a successful music career.”
Double Brown: Take your bong, stick it between two fresh logs of poo and tell yourself that general education requirements are “part of the establishment man!”
Tagline: “Now your education really has gone to shit!”
Double Dong: A picture of Glenn Beck between two interracial wangs.
Tagline: “WE TOOK THE BIGGEST DICK IN THE WORLD AND STUFFED HIM SMACK DAB BETWEEN TWO OTHER PRETTY REASONABLY SIZED DICKS!”
Double Team: Some Tri-Delt girl smack tab between you and a Theos bro.
Tagline: “Finally, something worse for your health than the Double Down!”
Double Drown: Struggling for air in a New Orleans swimming pool when you realize a Tsunami’s coming your way!
Tagline: “Dude that’s not funny. My roommate’s from New Orleans.”
Double Frown: Having both your parents die during separate car crashes, but between their demise you learn you have super resistant Mega AIDS.
Tagline: “Hey…I mean it could be raining.”