Children's Shows' Gritty Hollywood Reboots

Arthur: Die Haardvark
Genre: Thriller/Mystery
Plot Summary: From the Viewers Like You who brought you Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and Reading Rainbow, comes the most anticipated aardvark-related film of the summer. The year is 1996. A young aardvark is walking to his elementary school on a pleasant fall day. The leaves rustle. Suddenly, a dark figure appears from behind a tree and cuts off the aardvark’s snout and punches him in the eyes. Arthur never knew why that mysterious individual’s motives were for harming an innocent aardvark. He grew up in a rough neighborhood. Neither of his parents work, both just sit around at home all day. They were so poor they could only afford one set of clothes. Who would cause an anteater to look like Voldemort and to have to wear glasses? With the help of his racially diverse group of friends, Arthur is going to find out… Also, seeing as he’s basically black, The Brain is probably next to go.
Tagline: This summer, what a wonderful time to slay…

Spongebob EndangeredPants
Genre: Documentary
Plot Summary: In a groundbreaking new film, James Cameron follows the life of one of the last remaining yellow, pants-wearing sponges left in the ocean. Set during the sponge’s life cycle and in its natural habitat, Bikini Bottom, the film chronicles the title character’s unique relationships with a nearby squid and starfish, as well as a squirrel in a spacesuit. In order to survive, he must take a minimum wage job at the Krusty Krab. The film includes one memorable sequence in which SpongeBob eats only Krabby Patties for one sponge-month, equivalent to 5 human seconds. Also included is a suspenseful scene in which the sponge rips his pants to gain the popular support of his fellow ocean-dwellers. Will he survive long enough to bud offspring before he gets taken captive and made into a birth control sponge? That, and much more will be answered in Cameron’s 3D documentary. Narrated by Sigourney Weaver.
Tagline: Is he sponge-worthy?

Bananas in Striped Pajamas
Genre: Period/Drama
Plot Summary: In 1943, two British Bananas serving in the RAF are in bomber flying over Berlin. The next thing they knew, their plane had been shot down, and they were taken to a concentration camp. They managed to survive the rest of the war in the camp, but they would never be the same bananas. When their camp was liberated, they refused to take off the striped pajamas they had been forced to wear. They could also not be apart from one another for an extended period of time or they would become anxious. Their only social interactions were with two kindly bears and a rat. What would happen when the British government tried to place Banana 1 in a mental hospital? Relationships would be tested, tears would be shed, and large talking fruit worldwide would finally have their voices heard. Directed by Ang Lee.
Tagline: I can’t split you!

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