If Jews Really Did Control the World

There are a lot of crazy conspiracy theories floating around. People think Ronald Regan created crack cocaine, Carrot Top was constructed to discourage America’s youth from becoming stand up comics, hell my roommate even thinks I was the one who took a crap on his bed . But one conspiracy theory out crazies them all. There’s a growing population that believes the Jews control the world. It’s one of the oldest conspiracy theories in the book. For instance, the medievals believed Jews snuck around killing Christian children in order to make their Matzah. Is this really believable? Jews are very picky eaters. My Grandpa brings a corned beef sandwich back five times in one sitting, I doubt he’d eat some dirty medieval kid. Besides, everyone knows toddlers are the real secret ingredient. There is also “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” a book supposedly discovered by Germans in the 1800s that documents a Jewish Conspiracy of world domination. Question: If the Jews really did control the world, do you think they’d allow all the fucked up shit that happens to them? The thing that pisses me off about these Jewish Conspiracy Theorists is that there really is no Jewish Conspiracy. I wish there was. Do you know how awesome that would be? I’d get to cut the line at Disneyland. I’d be able to walk around with my pants off all the time, and not just when my roommate’s asleep. I’d even find an Econ TA who speaks English. Do you know why? Because my people would control the fucking world. But who knows, perhaps Jews really are in charge of everything. Maybe I just missed the memo. But on the off chance they aren’t, here’s what I believe society would look like if Jews really did control the world.

War- In the regular world, skirmishes between countries are fought with tanks, rifles, and cyborg Dick Cheney. In the Jew world controlled by your Semitic brethren, a whole new set of weaponry will be at our disposal. During protests and riots, angry demonstrators will throw Mazel Tov Cocktails, flaming Shmatas dipped in bottles of Manishevitz, at aggressors. A new form of psychological warfare will consist of forcing countries to have their eateries postpone early bird specials until 6:30 PM. Most notably, countries will pay off every Senator’s grandson, making him play loud music at 11 PM until their demands are met.

Economics- Taxation will become obsolete, not because Jews are stereotypically stingy, but because governments will have discovered a new more efficient way of collecting funds. They will hold Barbra Streisand for ransom and will not let her release a new CD until each person in the country contributes 25% of their income. Due to the extremely high demand, the most popular profession in the country will be Bar Mitzvah videographer.

Media- Although one may think a Jew controlled world would abolish the genre of rap music altogether, this is not the case. Instead, we will have a group of new rhyme slayers such as Kosher Eminem, Snoop Mensch, and the Ju Tang Clan. The Saw movies will lose their title of “Most Successful Horror Franchise Ever” when the new, and more frightening “I Think I Lost My Wallet at the Train Station” series of films overtakes it. The year’s top comedy? A video of Uncle Jeffrey rehashing old Jerry Lewis jokes for two and a half hours. The Great Gatsby will lose its status as an American classic as many will complain they “didn’t really see what all the fuss was about” and “the Gatsby at Target is 10 dollars cheaper and still as good.”

Weather- Old meteorological standards will be replaced with these new ones: “It’s too hot, I think I’m getting a heat stroke” “Put on a sweater you’ll catch your death out there!” “Eh, it could be better” and “I told you to bring an umbrella, why didn’t you bring an umbrella, you never listen to me!”

Transportation- The most popular car in America will be the 1993 Toyota Corolla. First class flights will now come with a complimentary loaf of Challah.

Sports- Football will decline as America’s most popular sport as overprotective mothers will refuse to let their sons play “that horrible game!” The same will hold true for baseball, soccer, bike riding, and ping-pong. Competitive poker will also decline in popularity due to its frequency of causing paper cuts. Instead, competitive shuffleboard and Mahjong will be watched by millions of viewers every week.

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